What day is this? And who am I to receive such gifts?

What a day.  It escaped from me.  One moment I am waking up early with the dogs, taking my first pill of the day and the next moment is now.  That was sixteen hours of nothing.  And unfortunately that happens all too often when taking such heavy narcotics.  I remember when I was taking all that oxycontin a few years ago.  Days would go by and all I could really remember was falling asleep on the couch, playing "wake up, it's time to go to bed" (inside joke).  I went a saw The Simpsons Movie because I was not going to miss such an epic event and then when it came out on DVD it was like watching an entirely different movie; I could remember nothing of the show I'd seen in the theater.

I know I've talked about this before, but this was my day.  I just couldn't keep my eyes open.  I had such good intentions of folding and putting away the laundry I'd washed the day before, but I'd take my scheduled pain killer, turn on Hulu, and crash out until it was time for the next pain killer. And nothing could wake me in the interim.  Suddenly it was nine o'clock at night, heat bearing down on me, as I blinked my eyes open and wondered where I was, what time it was, and what day it was.

Days like this are profoundly disappointing.  But I was at least comforted by the fact that I had a few days of really stellar productivity and my house is super clean and even my bedroom is organized…

Also, I finally went to my doctor and we came up with a new treatment plan for my migraines, which will hopefully turn things around but can only go so far when one of the triggers is barometric pressure changes.  And I found out that in my fall of the previous week, the fall that has worsened my regular, daily pain, also resulted in a sprained ankle.  I had been ignoring it, hoping it would go away.  That never actually works though, does it?

I just keep comparing it to that one fall I had, when I fell down my friend's concrete flight of stairs.  I think I could have estimated a percentage of bruising on my body and really should have gone to the ER when my sister demanded it, but I didn't have health insurance.  Here's a link to that posting:

http://chroniclesofachronicpainpatient.blogspot.com/2009/09/legends-of-my-falls.html

There are so many great and wonderful things on my horizon.  I am publishing a book this fall.  And there are so many friends and family stepping up to help me do it.  It makes me feel loved and supported and like people believe in me.  Days like this scare me; I don't want to let everyone down.  Now I have a dear, old friend who has volunteered to be PR for "east coast operations"! Am I good enough for this?

There is one thing I'm proud of this weekend.  I made my dogs really happy.  My dogs got to hang out with a few different friends for theirs they adore.  And they got to play in the drain ditch on my parents' farm.  Here is a picture of some happy dogs:

I guess what all of this boils down to is simple.  When I spend entire days asleep on ice packs, even if they are driven by pain killers for very harsh pain, do I really deserve the blessings before me?  In my sleeping I dreamt I was running for a bus, carrying my fabulous laptop that cost more than my car and my phone, and so many other wonderful gadgets and wearing nice clothes, with a lunch of good and healthy food, etc.  And I passed a house where a family lived in extreme poverty.  And I stopped, didn't care anymore about my bus, and looked in on them.  I was plagued with the question: why was I so blessed and they were so… I don't know, the opposite of blessed?  What made me so goddamn special? In the dream I had no cash on hand to give them, no way to help, but I couldn't move on, I was stuck, staring at the young girl who would have no opportunities and I grieved.

I am so thankful, so grateful.  But when entire days go by, how am I showing this gratitude?  Am I really doing the best I can?  I'll try harder.  I really, really will.  Whoever reads this, to whomever this is addressed, Shiva, Buddha, God, friends, family, I will try.