Cursed!

Sometimes, like now, at about 1:30 in the morning, I think being a writer is as much a curse as it is a blessing.  There I was, trying to sleep, and all I could think about was the ache inside me.  I knew if I didn't get my hands on my keyboard* soon I'd go crazy.   There would be no sleep.  Not yet anyway.  And I couldn't just jot notes in a journal entry or in my notebook.  That wouldn't have been enough.  No, I have to write about her.

Her is my newest character in the project I am working on while I wait for my teammates to work on and get back to me my book, The Keepers, as we get ready to epublish.  I am full of creative energy and I know I have to ride this wave because when my Muses offer their gifts, I must accept graciously; that's our relationship and it's just how it works.

Her name is Marni.  All characters that I write are me, in some shape or form.  In The Keepers, the main female and male characters are pieces of myself and the things they go through, even if you think the story could do with out some of the more graphic imagery, is out of my hands.  They are alive, organic, and purges of my soul.

I'm sure there will be some expectation that the sequel to The Keepers, The Leader, should be forthcoming, but I can't do it just yet.  I have to tell Marni's story.  Marni is maybe the closest character to myself that I've written to date.  Her book, entitled The Waves, is about breaking the blood-brain barrier and a pharmaceutical trial gone awry.  Marni is a lovely person: helpful to the elderly, giving and selfless, kind and generous, and a nurse by profession.  A pediatric oncology nurse.

But she is also a serial killer.

And she is filled with unquenchable desires, aches for needs unmet.  And she cannot and will not settle for incompetent or inadequate love or desire or passion or sex.  Her pain runs deep.  By day she gives everything she has to others in "Column A".  By night she takes away to fill the holes from those in "Column B".  She is demanding and requires my attention.

Do you see what I mean about this whole issue?  Also, a few notes at the bottom...

She is driven by the following:

The Holy Longing

by Goethe

Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,

Because the massman will mock it right away.

I praise what is truly alive,

What longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of love nights,

Where you were begotten, where you have begotten,

A strange feeling comes over you

When you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught

In the obsession with darkness,

And a desire for higher lovemaking

Sweeps you forward.

Distance does not make you falter

Now, arriving in magic, flying

And finally insane for the light,

You are the butterfly, and you are gone.

And so long as you haven't experienced this:

To die, and so to grow,

You are only a troubled guest

On the dark earth

I've heard people say things like oh, that writer just put that in for shock value or that writer didn't need to put that in, etc.  But if they are anything like me, they have very little control of the story and it really does tell itself and to take out parts that would "offend" some readers would be dishonest and in my case my Muses could clam up and become distrusting with their gifts.  The process is fragile enough.

*And by the way, as much as I tease and gloat with my family, this computer, my MacBook Pro, is the greatest blessing; I don't know what I would do without it.