Panic

I am supposed to go to Boise Monday evening for my Tuesday 9AM appointment with the vile surgeon who botched my pain pump.  He is the only one who can take it out.  Monday is April 11, what would have been my 6th wedding anniversary.

This is too much.  I just don't think I can do it.  My gram and I had a talk about this appointment and about her cancer treatments, her radiation.  She got all tough sounding and said these are things we have to do, we have to get through, and that we will get through.  And I'm trying to draw strength from that, from her.

But it is just too much.  I just don't think I can do this.  I don't think I can face this man.  I think I will just cry.  And then I will feel ashamed.  And that's the last think I want to feel with this jerk.

I think back to the month after my surgery and that horrible, awful spinal headache.  It is the worst pain I've ever had in my life.  I almost want to have a baby sans epidural just to compare the two.  I think about all of this and I get angry again.  Maybe I should stay angry.  But I don't like that place and I don't like feeling that.

There is a song I really like right now, and maybe I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating.  A lyric is, "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."  I hear it and always, every single time, think, "Wow, you have never really hurt before, have you?"  Because trust me, if a person had hurt like this, they would feel like me and want to numb out as quickly and as much as possible.

PS I realize that my posts have been extremely moody and up and down, up and down.  I am doing a lot of processing right now.  This particular thought woke me up a couple of hours ago and I can't get back to sleep.  So I am spending less time admiring my pretty nails just now and more time stressing over upcoming events that I want very much to change.