A preface: this blog is my free therapy and today I might use that therapy and whole lot…
Today marks the 5th anniversary of the day of my crash. My day of infamy. It is still so vivid, except the ride to the hospital and the time in the ER; I felt kind of out of it then. I know I cried a lot and kept falling asleep. Maybe I'm just blocking it out.
Next week I have to go face the surgeon who put my pump in wrong and deal with him to get it taken out. The good news is once it is out I can go to the University of Utah clinic. But to get to that point, I have to go toe to toe with my biggest demon - my conception of a ruined life, and the man I believe caused it.
I believe if my pump would have been put in correctly, I wouldn't have lost my career, my home, my car, and then eventually my marriage (because it would have been strong enough to get us through the tough times ahead). And yes, I have looked into a malpractice suit, but in Idaho it's basically ridiculous to try; I've spoken to two attorneys on the subject.
But here's a new concept: this has been my identity for five years now. The physical and mental anguish started five years ago today and I've worn it like a suit of armor.
And yet… now I find myself talking about it, gingerly and tenderly, but talking about as if maybe I'm ready to drop the armor. A friend referred to all of this as a five year setback. Obviously it is so much more to me than a setback.
However… if you stand back and look at like a Monet, you can see the brushstrokes of my pain make up a drop in my lifetime. If I live to be 80 years old, five years is only 6.25 percent of my lifespan. Maybe I could start considering the idea of a setback, and the idea that in the process what I've gained in strength, humility, and patience* might be as great as what I've lost.
It doesn't mean the mental and physical pain ends today. Of course not. And of course my former life is still over and I will still grieve for it - I must until the grieving is done. But even as I was awake in bed, watching the clock turn to midnight to ring in this day of infamy, crying and sobbing, I knew there was a good chance progress with my treatment, social life, writing, and independence might carry me through the day.
But there might still be a few more post today…
*Still working on all of these things…
Here are some things that I miss:
Chronic pain is pain that lasts more than six months.
ReplyDeleteMy mom suffers from chronic pain for this reason your doctor prescribed him medication - Oxycotin, Lortab or Percocet.
It is recommended to not buy medicines online.
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I just read a great article in Yoga Journal titled "Who Am I?" It deals with the conscious perception of self being un-true, temporary, fixed by external factors. The true self is the person within, regardless of what happens to or around you. Your true self is ready to emerge from this horrific event . . .
ReplyDeleteThank you. That is a great hope. Wouldn't that be a gift, a great blessing that what comes of all of it is that true self?
ReplyDeleteYou have such a good outlook on all of this. Maybe that's what time can do for us. Give us the perspective that we lack in an instant.
ReplyDeleteI know you're going through a lot right now, but I'm pretty sure in a year you'll be able to look back and see that these hard things helped and you're life is much better!