A note on the morose

I am generally depressed about specific circumstances in my life, yes.  That's readily apparent from reading this blog.  But it should also be apparent that there is more to my life than being depressed about things.  But lately... whoa.

And I think I've got it.

Four years ago, two days before Thanksgiving, was the last day I worked.  The last day I worked a job I really liked, a job with potential, a job I thought I believed would soon lead to a raise.  It was supposed to be temporary.  It never was.  My brain remembers and I am inadvertently and now obviously, sad.  I've always taken meaning from work - like the whole worth of my self is wrapped up in it.  A remembrance that I haven't worked a day in four years is doing a number on me.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to outright sabotage my efforts as part of our "Biggest Loser" competition because I felt like every time I had been at a healthy weight, I had been victimized in some way by some creep.  Creeps aren't around when you are fat.  Then we were watching "The Biggest Loser" and something the trainer Jillian said resonated with me (which is weird because I've always been a bit skeptical of her methods):

"Do you want to be a victim or a victor?"

I decided to stop with the self sabotage in the household contest arena because I'm going to be a victor - even if that means I have to carry a knife or learn Kung Fu to feel comfortable enough to do it.  Maybe this also applies here?  Am I going to mope about being a victim of circumstance, blaming myself, and hurting myself with my horrible self-talk?  Or will I be a victor in putting one foot in front of the other and learning to call it progress?

Regardless of anniversaries and days worked, I'm here now, I'll be here next week, and I'll be here the week after.  Victim or victor?