And it's morning

Mornings I dread.  Just a little bit.  I dread them because when I wake up I have not had any pain medication in something like 12 hours (having taken my last dose around 6 or 7) and I am in a lot of pain.  Also, I've typically been waking up periodically for the past few hours due to pain.

But after the first few moments of sleepiness wear off, I'm alert, awake, focused.  I'm more alert and awake and focused than I will be all day.  It's really wonderful to have my brain back, just for that half an hour or so.  But then the withdrawals and the pain gets to me and the realization that I've got to venture out into the cold and take care of the dogs and cats gets to me and the thought of playing Frisbee gets to me and I eat something and down the hatch it goes.

This morning I am a little more miserable than usual.  Most mornings I can push through, go about a little routine, get my swimming done, and take a nap in the afternoon.  But not today.

This is my hope: get an appointment at the University of Utah clinic and have them prescribe me Fentanyl patches.  I hope they are still used in some cases.  Although the patches tore up my skin, they delivered continual medication and had limited side effects for me.  Then I'd like them to remove my stupid pain pump, remove the excessive scar tissue and maybe I'll stop having so many migraines.  Then I'll try some new therapies.  These are my hopes.  I cling to them, even as I lie down so I don't puke up this pain pill.