"And I am flawed/ But I am cleaning up so well"

There is a strong chance I accidentally took my pain medication twice.  I was sure I hadn't taken it and so I took it and now my brain feels foggier than usual and I feel like I'm about a million degrees in temperature.  Very strange sensation.  Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this has happened but I do know that I'm really okay.  It just makes me a little more... thoughtful or at least thinking.

Today I talked to my sister on the phone for over an hour and it was so wonderful.  She has the ability to say things to me that sometimes no one else has or that someone else has but in a way that I actually listen. And I did listen.  Here's what I think is an important thing she pointed out:

I've been worried that I'm not doing anything with my life, it and I have very little value, I will never get over all my hang ups about not wanting this to be my life when I was satisfied with my old life, I don't know who I am anymore... and on and on it goes.  But she pointed out that it's been a tough road for awhile and I do need to just back off and give myself some time.  Then someday soon I will get my stride back.

In the last two weeks I signed up for the only gym with a pool here (that's right, Impact Athletic) and have developed a daily routine that includes using my Gram's house and it's lovely quietude and even lovelier recliner to write and then going to the club to swim.  The swimming has been going so well.  The cool thing about swimming is that when you are getting back into it, you are able to progress pretty rapidly.  And it has really helped with the aching hamstrings and the clenching and spasming of my muscles.  The writing has been difficult and forced since it feels so fragile in my mind.

When I look back to six months ago, the first full day I was here in April, and just how fragmented and wrecked I felt, and how much stronger and better I feel now, I can recognize progress.  But sometimes you just can't see the forest for the trees.

PS Yes, another picture of the drain ditch.  I just spend a lot of time there with my dogs and then there is the whole metaphor of a path...