"And I am flawed/ But I am cleaning up so well"

There is a strong chance I accidentally took my pain medication twice.  I was sure I hadn't taken it and so I took it and now my brain feels foggier than usual and I feel like I'm about a million degrees in temperature.  Very strange sensation.  Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this has happened but I do know that I'm really okay.  It just makes me a little more... thoughtful or at least thinking.

Today I talked to my sister on the phone for over an hour and it was so wonderful.  She has the ability to say things to me that sometimes no one else has or that someone else has but in a way that I actually listen. And I did listen.  Here's what I think is an important thing she pointed out:

I've been worried that I'm not doing anything with my life, it and I have very little value, I will never get over all my hang ups about not wanting this to be my life when I was satisfied with my old life, I don't know who I am anymore... and on and on it goes.  But she pointed out that it's been a tough road for awhile and I do need to just back off and give myself some time.  Then someday soon I will get my stride back.

In the last two weeks I signed up for the only gym with a pool here (that's right, Impact Athletic) and have developed a daily routine that includes using my Gram's house and it's lovely quietude and even lovelier recliner to write and then going to the club to swim.  The swimming has been going so well.  The cool thing about swimming is that when you are getting back into it, you are able to progress pretty rapidly.  And it has really helped with the aching hamstrings and the clenching and spasming of my muscles.  The writing has been difficult and forced since it feels so fragile in my mind.

When I look back to six months ago, the first full day I was here in April, and just how fragmented and wrecked I felt, and how much stronger and better I feel now, I can recognize progress.  But sometimes you just can't see the forest for the trees.

PS Yes, another picture of the drain ditch.  I just spend a lot of time there with my dogs and then there is the whole metaphor of a path...

Supportive (and pretty)

Earlier this summer my aunts went to a lingerie (and more!) store in Twin Falls.  When they came back they sang its praises and still giggled over what I'll call the non-every day lingerie (and more!).  So Friday my mom and I went to Karnation in Twin Falls for a bra fitting.

Sigh.  It is so nice to be so well supported!  When you have a chest the size of mine, it takes a lot of effort on the part of your shoulders to maintain decent posture.  The new bras I bought have done so much for me in relieving that upper back ache.

It is an absolute wonder what good foundation garments can do for you.  I feel you can see more than just an amorphous chest/belly/hips/bum blob and there is at least the designation of two proper breasts.  I'm still getting used to the under wire and all the support entails, but let me tell you - I feel better and it completely rocks.

Doctor update

I have a lot to say.  It's just that right now I have done a lot in the past few days and the pain is starting to catch up to me.  But I wanted to add a quick update.  I talked to my GP on Friday and he said his office finally received my chart from my old doc and they got everything sent to the University of Utah neurosciences clinic on Sep. 21.  Ah, the speed of medicine.  I am nervous.  I hope they accept me as a patient!

My home, sweet home

I know I've used this picture before and I really ought to put in a new one that updates the house and yard and all the hard work my mom put into the yard this summer.  For example, there are hydrangeas now!

But I needed the picture because this post has a specific point to make.

There is something I keep forgetting.  My goal: get better, feel better.  It dawned on me when I was soaking in the bathtub that moving to a new place now would hinder progress of that goal.  Sure, I could use my paycheck and get moved to my own place, but I don't have money for a car yet.  I'd be sort of stuck in that place with less help than I'm receiving now.

This week I am starting my gym membership so I can swim regularly.  I think it will really help my poor, aching hamstrings that have just been tormenting me of late.  But if I move, I can't do that because I wouldn't have a car and I couldn't afford a new gym membership AND a security deposit on a place.  And then what of doctor appointments and medications and signing up for a prescription plan?  Doubtful, with such tight finances.

So I will stay put a little while longer.

What seems to be driving my need to hurry up and move is my concern for my dogs.  As outside dogs they've been experiencing a different life these past six months.  I think they are generally happy, taking walks and jumping in the drain ditch and exploring the beet field and playing Frisbee.  But I am worried about them when it gets colder.

Then it occurred to me.  I can improve their home.  I can buy a new dog run, add a more cozy house with waterproof pillows that might stay cleaner than their current pillows.  And when it gets a bit colder, I can buy heated dog beds.  I can make them nice and comfy.

It plays on my anxiety that I keep trying to put some twisted reality of my dogs' interest ahead of my own.  I need to get on top of that.  Well, that and so many other issues.  I have a counseling appointment the first week of October.  I think I've found a counselor who will meet my needs.  I had a conversation with her about her credentials, philosophy, and approach to her practice.  It's looking good.  And I wouldn't be able to afford her if I move out this month.

Nor would I be able to afford a new swimsuit that I desperately need or some new cool weather clothes that I need since losing a bunch of weight this summer.  I'm not going to throw out numbers, but let's just say that all my clothes sort of hang on me and I want to look better so I can feel better.

So I'm going to stick around a bit longer.  And try to keep an eye on my number one goal - honor it and remember it.

Metaphorical dreaming

Last night I went to bed early because of a migraine.  At one point I got up to go to the bathroom and take my dogs out for "last call".  When I was back in bed I hurt so much everywhere I just cried and then this is what I dreamed:

I had a sink and around it kept filling with these filthy, sludgy, dirty pots and pans full of pain.  The contents were different nasty colors (imagine the colors of things that come out of different places on your body when you are sick).  No matter what I did the pots and pans of pain just continued to pile up and pile up.  Eventually I just gave up on trying to keep up with it.

That was very artistic and such of my brain to dream like that and I'm quite proud of it for it.  However, I'd prefer to never see all those pots and pans again.  They were gross and in my dream I felt each one.  They were each a different kind of pain, unique and separate.  And they wouldn't go away.

Poopies

This post is about how rotten I feel.  Seriously, I feel like poop.  Right now I am at that point where earlier today I got in pain and hours and hours since I haven't been able to get out of pain and I can't just keep popping more pills at this point.  And I hurt everywhere and my head hurts and has that drugged feeling and I am nauseous and I am perpetually tired and...

I'm wondering why I got back on pain pills.  I knew that Norco would only help for a little while before I'd start having to trade up to harder and harder substances.  My next step would be the -contin family, I suppose.  Maybe I could try Darviset or Demerol... I hate them all.  But I knew it would be this way.  I guess I just have to remember what it was like before.  It must have been bad if I wanted to do this, right?

I better call my doctor, get some sleep, try again tomorrow.  I don't know...

One thing: next week after I get my first direct deposit social security check, I'm going to get a gym membership so I can swim and my mom is going to let me borrow the car during the day so I can go do that! That should at least help with the muscle pain.

Deep breaths.  Good things on the horizon.  :)

Usefulness

Two quick updates: haven't made any progress on finding my "home on the range" and haven't heard from the University of Utah clinic.

But today's subject is of a different course.  In the last few days I've been able to do something useful with my life.  This past weekend I went with my parents to take furniture to my brother and SIL's new apartment in Pocatello.  I did absolutely nothing but hang out, but I felt useful.  :)

Yesterday I got the chance to act as an editor for another brother on a project he is working on.  Tonight I got to help my mom find screenshots for her PowerPoint for her lesson in her classroom tomorrow.

I also put up some green beans today - the blanch and freeze kind, not the canned kind.  Tomorrow, I might to laundry.

Everyone else who reads this blog does basically all of these things and more and in the same day.  But I think if I keep off my own back about it, accept the "day at a time" philosophy, and get to do even one useful thing each day, my self-concept improves.

So do you have something I can do to help?  Can I do it (as in physically)?  I'd love to help.

My home on the range

Yesterday I put an ad on craigslist under "Housing Wanted". I figured it couldn't hurt to ask and I'd read in some book about a woman writing down everything she wanted on a slip of paper and letting it fly away into the wind and then getting those things she wanted, eventually.  I suppose craigslist is my virtual slip of paper in the wind.

After reading my last entry, my mom offered me some good advice - don't let my inherited "Cache Valley hurry up and work hard so we can work hard some more" mindset get to me.  Sound.

I have this remarkable opportunity, this blessing that came bigger than I ever even hoped, and I need to not begrudge myself this.  And I also have to remember that this comes with a price.  I've been really struggling with pain control despite the pain medication and I feel sick all the time and all I want to eat is ice cream, yogurt, smoothies, and milkshakes.  You know, high fat and high sugar.

I'm looking for my home on the range these days, remaining grateful, attempting to convince myself that it's okay to do what I have planned (write and heal, in a nutshell), and am remembering why it is that I get this gift in the first place.  Chronic pain sucks, that's why. :)