Lilac wine... I feel unready...

I lost myself on a cool damp night

I gave myself in that misty light

Was hypnotized by a strange delight

Under a lilac tree

I made wine from the lilac tree

Put my heart in its recipe

It makes me see what I want to see

and be what I want to be

When I think more than I want to think

I do things I never should do

"Lilac Wine" has been sung by a few artists, but my favorite is Jeff Buckley.  And this inspires my post tonight.

When I say I feel unready, what I mean is that I feel unready for the summer to be over.  I feel I've been in this magical cocoon of security and warmth, of fun and love and joy.  But it's drawing to a close, as it inevitably must.  On Sunday I'm going to head to Utah with my brother to help out with his family.  And while I'm there I'm going to try to get things settled so I can get moved to Salt Lake City soon.  I'm going to start looking for doctors and a place to live and a car and everything else I need to sustain a new life.

This past week flew by.  I worked on crafts with my mom and we did some sewing as well (I'll post pictures of the skirts I've been working on when they are finished).  But I've been really struggling with the increased dosage of my pain medication.

Beyond this my mind has been in tangles working out thoughts and ideas and feelings.  I've shut so much of this thinking off, and now it's coming to me, demanding my attention.  I'm nervous, I'm anxious.

My parents and I were watching the show "Lie to Me" and one of the characters was separating from her husband.  She said something I've thought many times, that she couldn't picture the new life she was having to forge on her own.  It reminded me for the umpteenth time of how much I miss my husband.  Ex-husband.

There's so much about the future I can't picture. So you can see why this song is speaking to me.  It's a recurring theme in my life, possibly yours, too.  It's just that I don't want to do it.  Any of it.  I'm excited for things like complete control over the remote and walking around naked after a bath, taking myself out for coffee and going to movies by myself.  But forging this new life, trying yet again, and dealing with everything I'm dealing with is just not something I want to do.  I'm scared and I'm sad.  This is never what I pictured for my life.  It's not what I wanted.

"Lilac wine... I feel unready..."

But is one ever?

PS I took these pictures around the homestead the other night.