The agony and the ecstasy

A rather dramatic title, don't you think?

Let's start with the ecstasy.  This summer living with my folks on their farm has been nothing short of miraculous. When I first received the invitation from my mom, I thought, "Nah, I'm 30 years old.  I'm too old to move back home and live with my parents."  She insisted that it would be staying through the summer, an opportunity to rest, relax, and heal.  I once heard her say to someone that I had been through some terrible things and I'm healing from them.  The validation of her saying that was incredible and being here has been a gift.  I feel better emotionally, psychologically.  Instead of feeling the weight of the universe bearing down upon my shoulders, I feel ready to take on anything the universe has to throw at me.  On top of it, today I got some really good news (more good news!) on the social security benefit payment front.  I am so grateful and hopeful.

Now the agony.  I really, really believed I would get this pain medication and taking the 5mg of Norco would make me pain free and happy go lucky, ready to do anything I wanted.  Yeah, I know how naive and silly that sounds in retrospect.  But I really believed that.  And now I'm up to the 10mg already and it's barely doing the job.  On top of that I can't seem to find a doc around here or Boise who can help me with my pump.

Back to the ecstasy.  It looks like I'm going to get to go stay with my brother's family in Utah.  And there is a great University of Utah hospital/medical system.  I think I will have no problem finding health care providers and for that reason and so many others, I've decided I want to move there permanently (or as permanently as this woman can muster) hopefully in the next month or so.

Music means so much to me, I've written that before.  But I can't help but think of the Stones:
"You can't always get what you want...

But if you try sometimes well you just might find

You get what you need

Oh baby, yeah, yeah!"

I'm sure I've quoted that before.

But here's the thing.  I don't think I'm going back to school as soon as I'd planned and I'm certainly not going to meet my 10 year plan of becoming an established trauma surgeon.  But I am a writer, a real writer who might even be good at it and I love it more than anything I've done.  So maybe it's not what I thought I wanted, but maybe it's what I needed after all.

The agony and the ecstasy, baby.