Survivorman

My brother and I have been watching the Discovery Channel's "Out of the Wild".  Basically, nine volunteers agreed to be dropped into the middle of the Alaskan wilderness with some equipment and then have to make their way out in a month.  They are doing it solely to see if they can do it.  If they determine they can't make it, they have a little GPS device to "press the button" that will bring a helicopter to rescue them.

We watch this show mostly to make fun of them.  These are regular people, none like "Survivorman" Les Stroud.  They come from various backgrounds and have no particular skills suited for their trial.  My brother laughs because he's done longer hikes, in shorter amounts of time, carrying more on his back than this group.  I laugh because no one seems to have any kind of common sense.  For example, two weeks in they decided it would be better to put their first aid supplies in a ziplock bag rather than carrying them in the massive, metal case they came in.  Two weeks it took them to figure this out.  For a week they carried around a dutch oven, a big one.  We laughed really hard at that.

We came to an episode where the group had hit rock bottom.  Morale had plummeted.  And I remembered a lesson from watching Les Stroud.  Basically, the survival of your psyche is more important than even your body. You can't get int a place of crazy or desperation.  You start making stupid decisions that become harmful.  You have to stay focused, positive, and keep your wits about you - even when it really, really sucks.  And this comes from a man who had to drink condensation off his own urine to stay alive in an African desert.

I know this lesson to be true because my psyche has moved past the point of crazy, past the point of desperation.  And I don't really know what to do about it now.

I am either awake all night, night after night, or I sleep for hours and hours.  I am calm when I take something to be calm.  I am constantly nauseous, puking seemingly randomly.  I've had migraines that take so many pills to get through.  And right now I have having a hard time making myself do anything except lay flat on my back in bed worrying and obsessing.

I have received good news!  But everything has been riding on the idea that (1) I will get healthcare and (2) it will make me better.  What if one doesn't lead to two?  What if it does?  Where the hell am I supposed to go from here?  Everything that I've hypothesized and theorized or even just wanted for the future life where I am recovered may actually become a possibility and that scares the hell out of me.  Who will I be then?  How will I face this vast future?  And what if, after all this, I don't get better?

All I want is to unplug from my own brain or wake up in the future, on the other side of this.  I honestly think I would prefer braving the Alaskan wild or drinking the condensation off my urine to surviving this.  At least if you are starving or freezing, your mind tends to focus on those more immediate concerns. I hope there is a little hyperbole in that.

PS I realize there has been a lot of incessant bitching lately from someone who basically has it made now.  This fact is not wasted on me.