Feeling frustration, attempting gratitude

What is it about human nature, or maybe just my nature, to want and want and want?  I get one thing and I want more, more, more!

As you know, this week I went to the doctor and I got some pain killers.  It is amazing to be in less pain, so much less pain.  But the flip side is that I am drugged.  My schedule revolves around taking drugs and sleeping off drugs.  I can do more and that's wonderful, but usually I am too damn tired.  Or I'm not too tired and I bust out the inner superwoman and get in a lot of trouble pain-wise.

I know it's an adjustment, but I want more.  And I hold myself to this impossibly high standard of perfection that does no one favors, least of all me.

The other issue is that I'm re-thinking even having a pain pump at all.  I was interested in the spinal cord stimulation and I need some questions answered about that.  I know I've dithered and then most recently decided to go the pump route, but here are some issues at the forefront of my mind:

-There doesn't seem to be a lot of people working on them.
-Having one means constant Fentanyl and Bupificaine.  And I am not enjoying this drugged up thing.
-A pump requires constant refilling and calibrating, etc.  Injections in the stomach suck pretty much no matter how much you've had them and should be used to them.
-Also, I want to have a baby at some point in the future.  I can't imagine pain pumps are conducive to a healthy fetus.

I have another worry on my mind.  I've had cramping right above my pump.  It's too high for menstrual cramps and the wrong side of appendicitis.  So what's the deal there?  And will there always be some deal with the pump?

Getting out of pain and getting my life back have been my sole focus for... ever, basically.  But there seems to be some hidden costs.  I'm not liking the side effects of medication and I'm not looking forward to this getting worse.

But in the end, this quotation from Macbeth sums up a sort of meta-analysis on my own musings:

"Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." (Act V, Scene V).

PS My present poor attitude may also be fueled by falling several more times since the last report of drain ditch falls.