Epiphany

This little girl has changed my life.

Let me back up.

Moving back to Idaho, here to my parents' house was the best decision I made for myself in a long, long time.  I feel so much better.  I feel like there has been this healing process underscoring everything I do here.  I feel more whole.  I feel good.  And this despite the pain.

Today I was taking the dogs for a walk around sunset and I was saying my prayers of gratitude.  When there is so much beauty around you and there is the unbridled joy of some silly dogs jumping in and out of an icky drain ditch, it is hard not to be grateful.  I went through a mental list of thankful for's and then got to my niece.  And I started to cry.

Here's the thing about my niece.  She embodies potentiality.  She is miraculous.  In her you see a person so brave and strong and secure enough to be so fearless and independent.  She is sparkling and exciting.  She has great parents who are raising her well.

Then it occurred to me that in my life it doesn't matter what things I do, but rather who I am doing them for.  Everything I thought I knew about myself seemed to spin as I grasped this new Truth.  (And yes, for any existentialists out there, I do mean "big T" truth.)  Everything I want in life clarified, and like a clear stream, I could see through the depths to what lied below.  And what I saw there was unexpected.

Soon I will know all I need to know about my Social Security and Medicare benefits.  I will make a ton of doctor appointments and I will start to physically recovering.  The great thing is that I have experienced another kind of recovery.  I know what I want.  Soon I'll be able to go get it.