Wow, I've hit the wall. I ran smack dab into it and I am stuck with my nose planted against the hard brick of the reality that is waiting. Here are a few facts:
(1) I will start receiving benefits checks on the fourth Thursday of the month, starting with this month
(2) I just got my Medicare card in the mail today and can thus begin to schedule appointments, including a "Welcome to Medicare" comprehensive physical exam
(3) After I get my first check I can then log into the Medicare website and manage some of my benefits online
(4) I need to sign up for a Part D plan (and I think I've found one)
There's not really a lot more waiting to start getting healthcare again. Like two weeks maybe. But if feels like even my cells have given up. I am done. I am going through the motions of my days in an effort to keep the pain less worse than it can get. My brain runs on a continual loop of generally freaking out about the new possibilities of my life and the myriad ways everything I've hoped for could go horribly wrong.
It's almost like I don't buy it.
Sure, it looks like I'm going to get healthcare and a monthly financial benefit. It seems like I'm going to go see doctors. It appears help is on the horizon.
But how many times have I hoped and how many times have I been disappointed? It's almost like disappointment is more comfortable than progress. At least I know what to expect, the pep talks I have to give myself, and the mindset I must adopt to stave off insanity. The present ambiguity is suffocating.
I've been so excited about this. But as I sit here amid pillows and ice packs, I know one thing to be true: I've hit the wall, I can endure no more. I just can't take one more disappointment. So am I waiting with hope or am I dreading disappointment? Maybe both.
