Another self-indulgent diatribe

It's 2:49 AM and I've been awake for an hour.  Actually, I haven't really slept yet.  Every time I fall asleep, my body jerks me awake from pain.  I can't get remotely comfortable.  I got up to soak in the tub because the hot water (and I do mean hot) feels nice for my tight, sore muscles around my injury.  I woke up my dad and feel like a jerk because he has to work tomorrow and I don't.  I cried the whole time I was soaking.  I really hate admitting that.

Here's the scientific explanation for why I can't sleep.  When stressed the body produces the hormone epinephrine, a neurotransmitter also known as adrenaline.  It increases heart rate, dilates air passages, and contracts blood vessels.  This is known as the "fight or flight" response.  It basically creates those energy surges you feel.  So I try to sleep, and I am very, very tired, and my body engages this response to pain and the surges wake me up.

Knowing my body is doing its job doesn't help.

I know I'm getting health care soon, but I feel like I can't hang on any longer.  If only I knew something like "on October 1, 2010 I will be out of pain".  Then I could say to myself "you've been in pain 1,552 days, you can do 86 more days, what's 86 more days?"

I want to be drugged up, smacked out, zombie-fied.  I want to check out and not care because pharmaceutical grade heroin brings me to state of artificial euphoria.  I don't want to stay present, I want to lose track of the present.  I want relief; I can't do this anymore.