What happiness looked like, once

I don't want to get divorced.  I just don't.  Instead I want the imagined happiness I once had.  It seems so clear in retrospect that it wasn't the happiness I thought it was.  But in this midnight painful moment, I don't care.  I want the now roadkill dream.

What has hurt lately is that I have my recurring nightmares, but when I wake up I don't have my husband there, to just touch his arm or his shoulder so I knew I was awake and my nightmare was over.  Instead I wake up and don't know... anything.

Your heart can stop.  It can get get clogged - atherosclerosis can contribute to impaired blood flow.  But in reality it's the myriad nerves and brain matter that feels the heartbreak.  But when you feel that bottomless pit of sadness you can feel your heart ache like it will break in to pieces.  In reality it is of course the processing done in the amygdala and the hippocampal regions.

I wish science could heal the proverbial broken heart.  But there's no Lipitor for heartbreak.

I am sad this week,  I wish I could be something other than sad.  But the fact is, sadness permeates my every thought.

The combination of the emotional and physical pain feels insurmountable.  With my husband I always thought that no matter what happened, what befell us, as long as we were together, everything would be okay.  On my own, without him, I don't believe in happy endings and things turning out okay.  I just see a continuum of from bad to worse.

In my next post I will attempt the play the glad game.