Today I spent hours reading my past posts for this blog. I'm going to shut it off now. This has been nothing short of overwhelming.
Years ago during therapy I started dealing with my PTSD issue. The medication I'd been prescribed was freaking awful and so I decided to focus on the therapy aspect of recovery. My brilliant counselor explained to me that anytime we go through a traumatic event, an event that overloads our systems, our brain has a fail safe that shuts down. You can get through the event and you can even forget about it. It's almost like it never happened. But if did happen and eventually when you get to a safe place in your life, your brain just dumps in on you. The result can be symptoms of PTSD - flashbacks, nightmares, etc. I got good at a sensory technique to rescue me from the scariest of flashbacks; you say out loud senses connecting you to the present, "I smell my car's air freshener, I feel the seat belt on my chest, I see the lines painted on the road, I taste the coffee in my mug, I hear the music on the radio."
When I read my life as detailed on this blog, taking in months at a time, I cry for the me of the past. Even just reading about life in Eugene and comparing it to life now is overwhelming. I am doing so much better here. At some point I think I will look back and be grateful for the strength gained and simply being able to get through it. But from this vantage point, I'm scared. I don't want that history encroaching upon my present.
There are parts of my blog that I'd love to go through and delete. (Namely postpartum after Grace was born and colicly and we were moving!)
ReplyDeleteAnd yes it's painful to read, but it's also part of me and who I am...I hope to someday be thanksful for those parts too.
But they say that those who don't know their past are doomed to repeat it! So here's to hoping we don't have to do that! :)