Denial and goodbye

All week long I've known that tomorrow, Monday June 21, I was going to drive to Idaho Falls and meet with my husband to get divorce paperwork signed.  I knew I needed to set up a meeting place, etc.  But did I do it?  No, of course not.  I basically did everything I could to keep the very idea out of my mind.  After all, I've been in  some pretty deep denial about getting divorced for quite some time now.

If I was to write a letter to express to him everything I was thinking and feeling, it would say this:

Dear Punk-o:

I would do it again.  I would marry you again, despite the pictures we have of my looks of sheer terror and you sweating it.  I would marry you again even knowing that we'd go through so much, so many really hard and terrible things.  I would marry you again even knowing this is how it would all end.  I will never stop being grateful for everything you did for me and taught me and the growth I experienced because of you.  It was you who helped me really love myself and that is an incredible gift.  I miss you everyday and I don't know if or when that will stop.  I miss our routines and rituals and all of your "you-isms".  I even miss you being a grumpy bastard.  Thank you for introducing me to indie rock and Trivial Pursuit and the sayings you got from your dad and the meals you learned to make from your mom.  Thanks for all of the good times and even the bad ones, too.  Thank you for being my husband and thank you for loving me and thank you for being you.

Love,
Me

Oh, I am so trying to remember that I'm a bird girl, and bird girls can fly.