"As Is"

"...and I've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
I never did
and when I said
when I said I'll take it
I meant,
I meant as is"

Today I officially filed divorce papers.  It wasn't that hard.  And I feel pretty proud that I did it all myself.  I mean, my Gram took me to the notary and the magistrate court and stuff, but when it came to actually doing the paperwork and making the decisions required, I did it.  No lawyer.  Just me.

This may be sort of a duh moment for everyone else, but I wasn't prepared for how sad this made me.  It is this sort of deep ache.  Don't get me wrong, I really want to be divorced.  But what got me was the finality.  The dream of my future with my husband is over.  And I think that just might be the hardest part of all.  Missing him sucked.  Getting over not having our rituals sucked.  But letting go of what I believed would be the script for the rest of my life is the absolute hardest part.

I never expected sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows.  I never expected constant fireworks and I was in no way unprepared for the tough things, the hard.  All I wanted was the day-to-day companionship and happiness.  I wanted him and our marriage "as is".

So this Ani DiFranco song captures how I feel about my lost love and my future for love.

"You can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely
cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but I've got no
problem with that really"

To see a really rough and shaky live performance, click on the title.
The picture is of me in Astoria, OR on the day I was married.