Bitchfest

Usually I try to keep perspective. "It could be so much worse... I could have cancer or MS or... etc." Not today. Today I am just going to bitch and moan about what is pissing me off about chronic pain.

It started out with the weekend Utah trip. Then last night was the crescendo.

On my birthday I got to write, a lot. Then my parents came home from work and we made a scrumptious dinner and then we watched some episodes of "House" from season one. It was fantastic! As everyone was turning in for the night, my brain was still on fire. I wanted to write and write. But could I? No.

I tried to sit in bed and write but it was just too stinking painful. I ended up laying on my side watching silly TV on Hulu. And I was furious.

Also, there's the jealousy. I was deeply jealous of my brother and SIL as they ran in that race. I am always jealous when my parents hop on their elliptical machine at night. I'm even jealous of my dog Libby when she jumps up and down when I get her ball.

There is a special kind of low for people who are jealous of dogs.

I will inevitably go back to counting my blessings and be grateful for everything I can do. I will quit bitching about what I can't. But not today.

Happy birthday to me

Today is my birthday and I am 31 years old. I'm pretty happy about it. I think I will spend the whole day writing.

Another thing. I feel so hopeful today. Like maybe the future will work out in my favor.

A word on the pain situation

First I must say that the trip to Utah this past weekend was wonderful. But it was about halfway through walking around Thanksgiving Point that the pain started to get worse. Then the drive home - misery. And now it has been a few days since then and the pain situation has gotten bad. What sucks is that I can't get out of pain. Ice packs, hot baths, stretching, staying in bed, going for walks... nothing makes it go away. I know that all I can do is wait. It will get better, it will get worse. That's just how it goes. And that's the situation.

Something silly for my 200th post!

It is my 200th post! And in honor of this occasion I am putting a little quiz on the blog. A friend posted it in Facebook. So copy it and paste it with your answers into a response if you feel like it.

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments. What is it?
1. Produce: Blueberries
2. Bakery: Baguette
3. Meat: No meat!
4. Frozen: Ben & Jerry's
5. Dairy: Gorgonzola

Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?
1. Jammies!
2. Hoodie
3. Scarf

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 4 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?
1. Cool
2. Dog
3. Really
4. I

So, what 4 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn't get to do, you probably wouldn't be in the best mood?
1. Sleep
2. Brush teeth
3. Drink water
4. Eat breakfast

You're driving down the road, and suddenly you're hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?
1. Waiting in traffic
2. Poor drivers
3. Jaywalking (very bad in Eugene)

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?
1. Taking a nap
2. Catching up on Hulu
3. Playing on Facebook
4. Writing
5. Reading

We're going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
1. I don't like zoos!

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on TV of your choice. You can pick between 4, so what are you deciding between?
1. Saturday Night Live
2. Fringe
3. Glee
4. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
*Note: the Simpsons isn't taped

You're hungry for ice cream. I'll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?
1. Cookie dough
2. American Dream Cone
3. Cake Batter

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what's in there?
1. Tons of lipgloss
2. Hairbrush
3. Wallet
4. Pen
5. Dramamine

You are at a job fair, and asked in what areas you are interested in pursuing a career. Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
1. Writer
2. Artist
3. Surgeon
4. Actor

Thanksgiving Point

Just got back from a trip to Utah. I got to see my brother's family - including my little niece. My parents and I went down to Pleasant Grove yesterday and drove back today. My brother made a great dinner of manicotti with creme brulee for dessert. The next day my brother and his wife ran in a half-marathon first thing while my parents and I watched the little one. It seriously took three of us. That toddler is busy!

We went to Thanksgiving Point later in the day. The tulips were amazing. I've never seen that many different colors of blooms outside a catalogue. All of the pictures in this post were taken there.

Jack

I love Lost. Such a great show and only a few episodes left in the series! And now, finally, in season 6, I find myself actually liking the character Jack. And it's not because he is very cute. It is because he has finally stopped running around being Jack.

This parallels my own life. I think my recent decision to throw up my hands and give it all up has been important, significant. When I saw this character doing something similar and letting go of his inner control freak, it made me happy for this fictional character, and for me.

The Stink Hounds

For some time now my Libby and my Sully have kept me going. In dark times when I have considered cashing it in, I've thought of them. Without me, who would take care of them? They couldn't be split up. And who would want them? They are ill-mannered, badly behaved, high maintenance pains in the bum. So then I'll think, well no matter what I have to stick around for them. I'm their people. I'm responsible.

In Oregon it was so hard to take care of them. I wanted to do right by them but I couldn't take them on walks because they are miserable on a leash. And we couldn't play frisbee or ball because of leash laws. They had no space. It was terrible for them.

Now they are on what I call "The World's Greatest Dog Park". We go for walks in the morning. We play ball and frisbee. They wrestle with my brother. They have acres on which to sniff and mark territory. And even my brother's dog who is so mean to them is behaving better (knock on wood). They are happy. And this makes me happy.

Tonight when I played ball with them, I watched with such joy as Libby would get to the ball first, bring it to Sully, and then drop it so Sully could bring it back to me. And if you know Libby, you know how important that ball is to her. But she loves her Sully more, so she shares to make her happy. I would like to be that good at sharing. I would just like to be that good a person.

PS This picture is of my dogs at Christmas being completely perplexed by a motion sensor toy my parents sent me.

"Beauty When the Other Dancer is the Self"

Alice Walker had an accident as a child that blinded her in one eye. She wrote about the experience and about sight in her short story, "Beauty When the Other Dance is the Self." I've loved this story since the first time I read it in 1997. She expresses perfectly how I feel right now.

"I am in the desert for the first time. I fall totally in love with it. I am so overwhelmed by its beauty, I confront for the first time, consciously, the meaning of the doctor's words years ago: "Eyes are sympathetic. If one is blind, the other will likely become blind too." I realize I have dashed about the world madly, looking at this, looking at that, storing up images against the fading of the light. But I might have missed seeing the desert! The shock of that possibility--and gratitude for over twenty five years of sight--sends me literally to my knees. Poem after poem comes--which is perhaps how poets pray."

April 7th

I was so busy this year on April 7th that the fact that this date marked it being four years since the car crash and four years of being in pain just passed me by. Thank goodness for small miracles, eh? Then four days later came my wedding anniversary. I was sad that day. Then came Monday the 12th and I was full speed ahead it getting stuff accomplished.

The past is clearly important. But it's nice to be in the present, planning for the future.

The Uhaul, the dogs, and the ordeal

I wanted to write a little bit more about my trip from Eugene to Heyburn, Idaho. Here's the sequence of events:

Thursday we loaded up the Uhaul. My sister came and helped. She was awesome, as usual. My brother and I then loaded up the dogs and got on the road. The only problem was that we went the wrong way and ended up halfway to California. We returned to Eugene and spent the night in our empty apartment.

Friday we headed out again. But we were running out of money. My mom went to Walmart and sent a money gram to the Bend, OR Walmart. There we waited for a few hours due to complications with the whole transaction.

We got on the road again. We made it to our destination at 2AM.

The next day was so busy.

A word on riding in a Uhaul cab with three big dogs. It's not for the faint of heart. It worked the best when I drove, my two dogs shared the middle seat and me, my brother sat in the passenger seat, and his dog sat on the floor in front of him. Otherwise, I had two dogs on my lap. I am covered with bruises. I can't fathom how I got the big one under my right knee.

And so we are here. And I will not be doing that again!

Idaho at last!

Getting back to Idaho was an ordeal. It was long and difficult. And I have to say I am just so happy to be here!

Right now I am sitting outside on the grass with the dogs. We get up in the morning and take a walk. Out here in the country I don't have to put them on leashes so it works.

I still feel a bit overwhelmed. But nothing compared to how I was feeling. I am feeling calmer, more relaxed. I can see for miles and in the last couple of days it hasn't rained at all! Life is good.

Pain

Sometimes I forget how much pain I could be in. The last couple of months I have done everything I can think of to reduce the amount of pain I am in everyday. It's never enough, but it's something.

But today when I was working on packing up my room I got a shocking reminder of just how bad this can get. I think I have selective amnesia when it comes to remembering. Right now it's the stabbing and the shooting pain that is keeping me up. I can't do this with just ice packs and scalding hot baths. I need more. I need medical attention.

This may sound macabre, but I take comfort in knowing that the amount of pain a person can feel is not infinite. At some point you go into shock and pass out. It's happened before. So even though I don't see an end in sight, I know there are at least some limits.

Moving progress

I don't always think my brother has good ideas. For his birthday he wanted to blow something up. Before we leave, he really wants to dye the swimming pool red. Yesterday when he drove the shopping cart into our house I was summoning up my strength to launch into my "get that damn thing out of here" tirade. But then one of his ideas actually made sense.

Rather than bring out armful after armful of stuff to the dumpster, why not use the shopping cart? And rather than taking trip after trip with boxes to the Uhaul, why not use the shopping cart?

It was actually quite a good idea. My doggies have been concerned about it. They grew even more so when I put their doggy beds in the shopping cart. But they don't understand just how tired I am of picking up the stuffing that has been slowly leaking out of them, or that I don't think the things will last another move.

I've been having some concerns about moving to eastern Idaho. First, I think I'm going to feel like I have to put make-up on everytime I leave the house because I know a bunch of people living in Pocatello (mostly they are people I went to high school with and are now facebook friends). Second, how hard is it going to be to eat vegetarian there? In Eugene it is so easy it doesn't take any effort.

But then I was checking out craigslist and saw a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house for rent for only $600 and felt pretty good about that. The crapshack I'm in now is the size of a pea and it's over $700.

And then there is this other thing I've been thinking about. I thought I always wanted to move to Oregon. It's way more progressive than Idaho. I thought it would be the perfect place for me - among like-minded people. But then I read about this scary and hilarious political campaign by some far right-wing nutjob in eastern Idaho and I thought, "That's where I need to be! That's where they need my vote!"

There's just not that much for me to do here. There's been talk about outlawing the use of plastic bags in the city, but we all know that compared to the politics of Bonneville County, that's the whipped cream on top for Eugene. They need me in eastern Idaho. They need an irritating burr under their collective saddle, and I need to be that burr. It's nice to be needed.

What I'll miss about Eugene

A week from today my brother and I are both moving back to Idaho. It's goodbye to Eugene. And I have to say I am glad. I used to love rain. Now I am just so stinking tired of it!

But here is what I'll miss:

-The amazing bus system
-The Kiva
-Chao Praya (awesome Thai food)
-Sam Bonds
-Burrito Boy
-Not having to pump my own gas
-Tiny's
-The highest scraggly beard to person ratio in North America
-All those adorable hipsters
-The smell of Nag Champa incense in about half the stores you enter
-The cheese selection at the Kiva
-The Eugene Weekly
-Ninkasi!