Hi. How are you? One of my readers recently commented on my honesty in this blog. Tonight, at midnight-thirty, I'm going to continue the trend because this blog is all the therapy I can afford right now.
I had finished my math test Wednesday and after I turned it in I asked the teacher for my last test, as I hadn't been in class since the last test. She kindly asked if there was anything wrong and said she'd missed me in class. She wasn't trying to be a snarky professor about it; she actually cared. I just said everything was fine, smiled, and left.
I got to thinking.
It would be good for me to attend her class regularly and turn in homework regularly. But I'm not going to do it because taking two buses, sitting in a horrible chair for an hour and a half, then taking two buses home is torturous. Doing it for every class meeting. Unthinkable.
It would be good for me to be a better student. But I can't seem to get the motivation. I just don't care. B's are good enough for now. Next year when I enroll in the EMT/Paramedic program, this stuff isn't going to matter and I don't plan on transferring any of my classes at Lane to another college anyway.
It would be good for me to get out of the house more. But I'm more comfortable at home.
It would be good for me to eat a balanced diet of protien, carbohydrates, and fat. But I love those carbs. And sometimes all I have is the sensory pleasure I derive from the crap I eat.
It would be good for me to live my life and not watch TV 24/7. But again. One of my few simple pleasures.
Come to think of it, there are a lot of things that would be good for me. Cleaning the shit out of my house - every nook and cranny - and putting my laundry away so it doesn't take me 5 whole minutes to find two matching socks and in general putting forth more efforts toward productive pursuits.
These thoughts creep in and I have to banish them. Immediately. There's no place for guilt and shame in my "screw it" zone. And I have to protect this zone because it seems to be having a remarkable impact on my life:
I feel calmer. I feel more peaceful. I feel hope, honest to goodness hope for the first time since... maybe years? I feel myself planning a good future and having forward vision again. I feel the magical thinking (i.e. all my problems will be solved when I win the lottery) slipping away.
So I sit on my ass and slack off at school and live in clutter and sleep in sheets that frankly needed laundering a month ago, because I'm growing hope.
Hope!
As long as you're growing hope I think you're fine.
ReplyDeleteAs I read this it made me think of the hours I put into thinking about a novel before I start to write it. You're just in the pre-planning stage. :) And when you're ready you'll move on and get to the next stage of living the dreams you dreamed!