Age is apparently relative

I've been feeling so much better lately, mentally I mean. This is probably why this particular anecdote made me smiile instead of rush to the Lancome counter and by a $300 eye cream (okay, that and my thin wallet).

I am regularly carded for things like booze, cigarettes (not a smoker, just an enabler), and at least one rated-R movie. And I turn 31 this year.

Today must be opposite day.

My brother heard you could check DVDs out of the public library and there is a branch by our house. He rushed over there only to find out he didn't have a piece of mail current enough to get a card. So he rushed back home and pulled me off the couch where I was comfy under a blanket watching The Simpsons (what else?) and with the condition of him making me coffee I consented to go get a library card so he could check out DVDs. My brother is a movie fiend.

So we walked over there in the rain (of course it was raining, this is Eugene) and I signed up for a library card. Then at the end of my sign-up the woman signing me up said, "I was sorry I couldn't give one to your son earlier."

Son?

Son?

Son? He may be a decade younger than me, but how does that make me old enough to be his mom?

I just looked at her, got up, and we checked out 10 DVDs - just enough to keep me away from my homework long enough for my grades to suffer.

So at one moment I look younger than 18 and another I look about 40. Maybe I will go put on just a little eye cream.

A phone call

This morning at like 8 I was awakened by an interesting phone call. As I groggily said hello, a woman's voice (who held only the trace of the mechanical automated timbre) confirmed my name and then gave me some great news. Novartis would be sending me my medication to the LCC Health Center. Was that acceptable to me? YES! She asked me a few more yes/no questions and then I went back to sleep with a smile on my face. Sometime later I found my phone in the kitchen... weird. But here is the one I've been waiting for! It should be here in 7-10 days. Hallelujah!

The immortal genius of The Simpsons

It's coming up on two weeks since I've been back on my anti-depressants. And I'm feeling a little more normal, a little more human.

But it hasn't numbed me out. I still feel sad. I miss my life in Boise. I really do. And I miss what I had with my husband.

I got thinking about an episode of the Simpsons. In it, Moe has just been dumped by a woman he loved and is feeling pretty down. Then Homer tells him this:

"...Moe, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that'll make you smile."

Antsy with anticipation

Every single day I check the mail. It's usually here by 2:30 in the afternoon. And everyday I put my key into the mailbox, I hold my breath for just a moment, but then pull out the contents without fanfare. So far no word on my benefits hearing. And my anxiety is rising with every passing day!

Please some word soon! Pretty please!

D'oh

Have you ever been on a medication where the doctor sort of weaned you onto it? You start a low dosage and then work your way up to the full dosage. I have, lots of times. And this is why I should have known better.

Last Thursday when I got some medications from the LCC Health Clinic that had come in from a drug company, I was so excited, I took my full dose. The next day I did the same thing.

And then I couldn't figure why I felt so messed up - groggy and dizzy and disoriented and sleepy. Then it occurred to me. Your body just isn't meant to go from 0 to 120 mg all at once.

D'oh!

But VERY glad to be on them again!

A little hope

Today I had an appointment to go over my patient assistance programs applications. Free drugs are a wonderful thing, but you sure have to crawl through a maze of paperwork.

But I got some of them! Maybe now I will start to feel a little better. Maybe then my posts won't be so sad.

If you click the title of this post, there is a lovely song about hope.

The ups and downs of grief

Since I've been without my computer, I haven't had my journal. This blog has become its temporary stand in. That's not great news for readers.

After a full day of writing I found myself at the place where you need to think more than write. And when I say think, what I really mean is talk. I've found that it is so helpful to me to talk through where I am in my process and what has me stumbling.

Then it occurred to me that it's not with just anyone I want to talk. I want to talk about it with my husband. We're not officially divorced yet, so it's still technically accurate to call him that, although it feels weird since he isn't really my husband in any meaningful way.

I walked into my house and my dog Sully was full on, head first into the bowl of pasta that had been on the counter before I had stepped outside. Prior to that she had been caught with a chunk of bread, and before that I had cleaned up my dog Libby's especially darkly pigmented puke from my light beige carpet.

As soon as I cleaned up the pasta mess, my brother's dog Spot started yet another fight with one of my dogs, and then a pretty serious fight with Sully. My sister's dog Shelroy jumped into the chaos (she was visiting us for the night).

And that was it. That was the last damn straw. I took my dogs to my room and closed the door. And I cried and cried.

I wasn't supposed to have all the responsibility for two dogs, one of whom is an unruly terror. I wasn't supposed to be alone. I was supposed to be happily married to my best friend, multiplying happiness and dividing grief. Instead, I am here alone dealing with more than I can handle. And I thought for the hundredth time that I wished I'd never moved to Eugene. And I wished for the millionth time that I hadn't gone the wrong way down a one way street and caused that crash coming up on four years ago.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. But grieving is anything but.

What a difference a day makes

What a difference 3:30AM makes, really. I awoke from a dream that is to be my next book and now I am writing, writing, writing. It makes me very happy!

Snoring and such

Last night I was preparing to fall asleep, wondering if the usual crying jag would start when I heard a wonderful sound. It was this loud, loud snoring - buzz saw snoring - and I had to laugh out loud at my dog Sully. Since she was a baby, she would fall asleep and snore like nothing else. It was a great sound.

I got thinking about something when I was talking to my sis yesterday.

I've really been trying hard not to be the woman getting divorced who does nothing but talk about her ex and her divorce, etc. I've been trying too hard. Instead, I haven't really talked through anything. I haven't really dealt with anything.

Maybe it is time to start?

In preparation for my hearing my lawyer asked me if I thought my ongoing pain situation contributed to my separation from my husband.

That's easy. It did.

My husband was there for me, helped me, listened to me. But I'm sure it was so hard on him. And we had a lot of really rough things to go through during this time. When it came down to the end, and I won't get into the issues of what eventually broke us up, we weren't strong enough to make it through.

So I grieve.

I lost my house, my car, my husband...

I think it's important to grieve and I'm going to acknowledge it now.

And it's still great to have my Sully snoring me to sleep.

I'll do my crying in the rain

So I've been crying a lot lately. Could be circumstances, could be the depression. Who knows.

BUT... it totally makes me feel better!

I think I might have been holding it all in for awhile now, and now when I let it out, it feels so good. It's like this lovely release. I actually smile when I get done.

In fact, I'm smiling now!

A little despair

Lately life hasn't been going that well for me.

It seems I am caught up in the jungle of neverending red tape.

I applied to a half-dozen companies for patient assistance with my medication in November-ish. I've been getting letters back from some of the companies saying the person who completed the request (the nurse at the student health clinic) made mistakes on the forms. And they are stupid mistakes. Now it's going to take an indefinite amount of time before I can get access to medications I really need.

I'm still waiting on social security.

I'm having problems with financial aid for school because I got an incomplete that I just found out about two days ago. When I get it taken care of I can then fill out a piece of paper saying I got a grade change now please give me my money!

The graphics card on my beloved computer died and the guy from the Geek Squad said since they'd have to remove the motherboard to replace it, I should just buy a new computer. He said that! About my baby!

Walking in the rain, in so much pain from the day's activities, I got to thinking, how could it be any worse? I mean, I am separated from my husband, the person I wanted to spend my whole life with, I have a few more than dimes to my name, maybe I'll never get to be a doctor, and also, by the way, I'm not sure I really like Eugene anymore.

So it was one of those times when all of these troubles weighed on me and I just thought, so could it get worse?

And then I stepped in a huge puddle and soaked my shoes.

So yeah, it can always get worse. But maybe that means it can always get better?

Happy new year's resolutions!

In the spirit of new year's traditional resolution making, I am putting out there a few of my own resolutions for the coming year.






(1) I will improve self-care. Life many people, when times get stressful or busy, the first thing to go is taking care of myself. Plucking eyebrows, clipping toenails, getting haircuts, dressing in something besides pajamas... these are all things that fall to the wayside. Another part of this includes an effort on my part to ditch the Ramen Noodle diet and upgrade to something more nutritionally sound....

(2) I am going to work harder on my classes, have more focus, be a serious student and not half-ass it.

(3) This is one from last year that I need to work on: I will use eye cream every night before I go to bed.

There's so much in store for 2010. There are so many possibilities. 2009 is over and thank goodness for that. So all hail the new year!

Happy new year!