Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me! Finally! At long last, I am officially 30 years old! Woo-hoo! What a great day to be me! I’ve been looking forward to this birthday for like 12, 15 years or so. Happy birthday!
Click the title "Happy birthday" for a silly little video with my favorite birthday song!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Update... nothin' good
Here’s what I just heard from my neurologist. St. Al’s Pain Management office sent my doctor a letter saying they won’t see me. My doctor can’t refer outside of the St. Al’s network. He will still do the surgery; I just have to find a doctor to do the trial and the follow-up care. There are a few here in Boise, but I really don’t like them. As my husband pointed out, there are doctors in Pocatello, Idaho Falls…
IME and all that jazz
I wish I could tell you I knew my independent medical evaluation appointment went well. I have no idea, and I won’t for some time. The doctor I saw was not allowed to tell me anything.
Here’s how it went: I got there at the time I was told was my appointment but it turns out there was a miscommunication at it wasn’t for another hour so I sat and waited for an hour in their “super comfy chairs”; I found out they lost my paperwork, so I sat and waited for another hour; because the doctor was late now for all his appointments, the actual exam was rushed. I got home three hours after I thought I would.
I just don’t feel good about this. He wasn’t a neurologist, he wasn’t going to get it. Will I even get a check in May? I have no idea.
What I do know is that it’s probably a better idea for me to work through the anxiety than to stay drugged and/or drunk until I find out. Then again…
Here’s how it went: I got there at the time I was told was my appointment but it turns out there was a miscommunication at it wasn’t for another hour so I sat and waited for an hour in their “super comfy chairs”; I found out they lost my paperwork, so I sat and waited for another hour; because the doctor was late now for all his appointments, the actual exam was rushed. I got home three hours after I thought I would.
I just don’t feel good about this. He wasn’t a neurologist, he wasn’t going to get it. Will I even get a check in May? I have no idea.
What I do know is that it’s probably a better idea for me to work through the anxiety than to stay drugged and/or drunk until I find out. Then again…
Sunday, April 26, 2009
How I'm doing now
I’m doing so much better today. I can walk around, yesterday I even did some homework and the dishes. That of course put me out of commission for some time, but hey, an excuse not to do chemistry? Can’t complain about that!
I started taking Neurontin again, this time I’m taking it morning and night. I’m not sure I should be doing that, but it helps so much, I’m just going ahead with it until I hear back from the nurse at my doc’s office. It mostly makes me really high and really sleepy. Again, can you complain about that? Nah.
Tomorrow I have a medical evaluation set up by Principal Life, the company that pays my disability benefits. It’s pretty important. It could determine whether or not they keep paying my benefits. I’m nervous. Wish me luck, or something…
I started taking Neurontin again, this time I’m taking it morning and night. I’m not sure I should be doing that, but it helps so much, I’m just going ahead with it until I hear back from the nurse at my doc’s office. It mostly makes me really high and really sleepy. Again, can you complain about that? Nah.
Tomorrow I have a medical evaluation set up by Principal Life, the company that pays my disability benefits. It’s pretty important. It could determine whether or not they keep paying my benefits. I’m nervous. Wish me luck, or something…
Friday, April 24, 2009
Painful realizations
Last night I awoke to an amount of pain similar to that which I’ve experienced only one other time in my life. That time I called 911 and rode in an ambulance and stayed overnight in the hospital to get the pain under control. This time I was determined to not do that – I hate staying in the hospital, even if the rooms now at St. Al’s are like suites at a fine hotel.
I was crawling to the bathroom because I really had to pee and also the pain had made me really nauseas, and my husband discovered what I was doing. He helped me get there and got Paul (remember him, our Walker?) and made sure I made it back to bed.
This morning he told me the incident really scared him. He asked if I could get back on Neurontin, which I stopped taking because of the weight gain. He said he hates seeing me like this.
I think I finally get it. I’m not in this alone. I need to stop making decisions like I am.
This morning I called my doc’s office. I am going to try to a) get back on some kind of pain killer; b) see if my neurologist thinks it would be better to the route of fixing or putting in a new pain pump (he’s been leaning that way this whole time). It’s just I think the pain pump will work because the trial was successful. I just don’t want it because I don’t want to be on Fentanyl again. I’ll just see what he says.
I’m not just in this for me.
I was crawling to the bathroom because I really had to pee and also the pain had made me really nauseas, and my husband discovered what I was doing. He helped me get there and got Paul (remember him, our Walker?) and made sure I made it back to bed.
This morning he told me the incident really scared him. He asked if I could get back on Neurontin, which I stopped taking because of the weight gain. He said he hates seeing me like this.
I think I finally get it. I’m not in this alone. I need to stop making decisions like I am.
This morning I called my doc’s office. I am going to try to a) get back on some kind of pain killer; b) see if my neurologist thinks it would be better to the route of fixing or putting in a new pain pump (he’s been leaning that way this whole time). It’s just I think the pain pump will work because the trial was successful. I just don’t want it because I don’t want to be on Fentanyl again. I’ll just see what he says.
I’m not just in this for me.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Still nothing...
My update: I’ve been calling Steve Matthews of the St. Alphonsus Comprehensive Pain Management Center every other day. This is the second week of doing this. No returned phone calls. I know my doctor’s office is also trying to get the situation taken care of – so far no luck.
Sometimes everything just seems so far away.
Sometimes everything just seems so far away.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
No news is...no news
So nothing has happened since my last post. No news on the medical front. But I posted this picture of Sully for two reasons.
1) It is terribly cute. Here I’m printing out my notes on a book I had to read for one of my classes and she is laying on the floor, where the pages fall from the printer, just letting all of them fall on her without any concern in the world.
2) What a great lesson! Would that I could be so chilled (minus pharmaceuticals) in the presence of stress.
So this weekend I will do my schoolwork, try not to worry, and then Monday morning start fresh… and start out swinging.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Red Flag of Bullshit
It has all gone to shit. No other way to put it. I was red-flagged and hence, un-scheduled. Here’s the back story:
Last September I refused to keep seeing a provider at the St. Alphonsus Pain Clinic. There were three very good reasons, which I explained to their office manager at the time.
1) She had refused to refill two medications to me that another doctor in the clinic I had been seeing concurrently had been prescribing me (since August 2006-ish) and refused to talk to him about it, and stood in the way of him prescribing them to me, so I puked and itched for two and a half weeks, until I finally convinced them to read my freaking chart.
2) She lied to me and put a medication in my pump and increased it when I expressly said no.
3) She was bad at her job in that when she re-filled my pump with medication, I had to be stabbed in the stomach over and over. When another provider did it, I didn’t even notice it happening, that’s how I learned how bad at her job she was. Bruised stomach from endless needles v. instant contact with pump and not even noticing the needle prick. Hmmmm…
So I had this conversation with the office manager. At the time it was amicable. My other doctor at the clinic had referred me to another doctor outside the clinic for a procedure he couldn’t do, and then I went to another doctor who would turn the pump off (since my infamous pump provider at the clinic refused).
My understanding was that we were on good terms.
Then in December I tried to make an appointment with my old doc at the clinic. I was told I was “discharged” and he wouldn’t see me. I was confused, but didn’t follow up. There was some serious crap going on in my life and I dropped the ball.
But in never occurred to me that it would affect me seeing an entirely different provider in the same, but expanded, clinic for an entirely different procedure. So I’ve been red-flagged and they dropped my appointment.
Now my neurologist and his staff is making calls over to the clinic to the doctors and the office manager, I’ve been making calls to the office manager (I’ll make several a day until he returns them), and it’s all up in the air until this is sorted out.
Yesterday was one long anxiety attack for awhile. It felt like my heart was going to explode; it really hurts when you freak out like that. And the breathing. You have to keep breathing, but not too much because you’ll hyperventilate. Crying is okay, but again, hyperventilation is an issue. Finally, a Klonopin, a long bath, and a call from the nurse saying basically, “It’s not over yet” and I was calm again.
This is my life! Stop messing it up! I don’t need a red flag!
Last September I refused to keep seeing a provider at the St. Alphonsus Pain Clinic. There were three very good reasons, which I explained to their office manager at the time.
1) She had refused to refill two medications to me that another doctor in the clinic I had been seeing concurrently had been prescribing me (since August 2006-ish) and refused to talk to him about it, and stood in the way of him prescribing them to me, so I puked and itched for two and a half weeks, until I finally convinced them to read my freaking chart.
2) She lied to me and put a medication in my pump and increased it when I expressly said no.
3) She was bad at her job in that when she re-filled my pump with medication, I had to be stabbed in the stomach over and over. When another provider did it, I didn’t even notice it happening, that’s how I learned how bad at her job she was. Bruised stomach from endless needles v. instant contact with pump and not even noticing the needle prick. Hmmmm…
So I had this conversation with the office manager. At the time it was amicable. My other doctor at the clinic had referred me to another doctor outside the clinic for a procedure he couldn’t do, and then I went to another doctor who would turn the pump off (since my infamous pump provider at the clinic refused).
My understanding was that we were on good terms.
Then in December I tried to make an appointment with my old doc at the clinic. I was told I was “discharged” and he wouldn’t see me. I was confused, but didn’t follow up. There was some serious crap going on in my life and I dropped the ball.
But in never occurred to me that it would affect me seeing an entirely different provider in the same, but expanded, clinic for an entirely different procedure. So I’ve been red-flagged and they dropped my appointment.
Now my neurologist and his staff is making calls over to the clinic to the doctors and the office manager, I’ve been making calls to the office manager (I’ll make several a day until he returns them), and it’s all up in the air until this is sorted out.
Yesterday was one long anxiety attack for awhile. It felt like my heart was going to explode; it really hurts when you freak out like that. And the breathing. You have to keep breathing, but not too much because you’ll hyperventilate. Crying is okay, but again, hyperventilation is an issue. Finally, a Klonopin, a long bath, and a call from the nurse saying basically, “It’s not over yet” and I was calm again.
This is my life! Stop messing it up! I don’t need a red flag!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Scheduled-ish
An update! I have an appointment with the doc who will be doing the trial on Monday, April 20. Before you get too excited, it’s an evaluation appointment where she will go over everything I need to know about the trial and I get to ask questions.
Good thing! Saves me the trouble of calling every other day with, “Have you scheduled me yet? Have you scheduled me yet?”
I’m compiling a list of questions for the doc. If you have any the websites haven’t answered, feel free to post them and if I can’t answer them, I’ll ask her and get back to you!
Good thing! Saves me the trouble of calling every other day with, “Have you scheduled me yet? Have you scheduled me yet?”
I’m compiling a list of questions for the doc. If you have any the websites haven’t answered, feel free to post them and if I can’t answer them, I’ll ask her and get back to you!
Friday, April 10, 2009
My doc appt today or let's get this party started ya'll
Today I had an appointment with my neurologist. I told him I want a trial for the spinal cord stimulation. I asked if I could have the trial and then have the pump taken out and the stimulator put in at the same time (same surgery) and he said that was doable – obviously if the trial is effective. I also said no to pills.
Someone from his office or the office where they will be doing the trial (an old doc of mine, someone I like, actually) will be calling me to set it up. I requested specifically, “soon!” The only downside is that because I have the pump they may make me stay in the hospital overnight for the trial – it’s usually an outpatient procedure. But that’s not even a downside, really. A minor inconvenience.
Now I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the call. I’ll keep everyone posted. Maybe this is the beginning of something actually happening again!
Here’s a little COBRA update: President Obama’s relief efforts include something where people might be able to pay only 35% of COBRA costs, while the employer absorbs the rest and then passes it on to the government. My husband read about it, and if we could qualify, if it was real, it means the difference between health insurance and not having health insurance. Wow. I love the President!
Someone from his office or the office where they will be doing the trial (an old doc of mine, someone I like, actually) will be calling me to set it up. I requested specifically, “soon!” The only downside is that because I have the pump they may make me stay in the hospital overnight for the trial – it’s usually an outpatient procedure. But that’s not even a downside, really. A minor inconvenience.
Now I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the call. I’ll keep everyone posted. Maybe this is the beginning of something actually happening again!
Here’s a little COBRA update: President Obama’s relief efforts include something where people might be able to pay only 35% of COBRA costs, while the employer absorbs the rest and then passes it on to the government. My husband read about it, and if we could qualify, if it was real, it means the difference between health insurance and not having health insurance. Wow. I love the President!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Dr. Strangelove or: how I learned to stop worrying and love…COBRA?
I just found out yesterday via a bulging packet of information in the mail, that my last month of regular insurance and regular just over $130/month for both my husband and I for health, dental, and vision insurance premiums ends May 31, 2009. Not June 30, 2009 like I had originally thought, planned on, could have sworn!
So to keep health insurance for Ed and me on June 1, 2009 we would have to pay $804/month. For me, a mere $402/month. So health insurance or a place to live?
PS For those unfamiliar with the classic flick, Dr. Stranglove Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, we end our cautionary tale in the most marvelous way, as only Kubrick can.
Here’s a link to YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxrWz9XVvls. Watch this if you haven’t seen the film and then you’ll understand how I feel about this COBRA news.
So to keep health insurance for Ed and me on June 1, 2009 we would have to pay $804/month. For me, a mere $402/month. So health insurance or a place to live?
PS For those unfamiliar with the classic flick, Dr. Stranglove Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, we end our cautionary tale in the most marvelous way, as only Kubrick can.
Here’s a link to YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxrWz9XVvls. Watch this if you haven’t seen the film and then you’ll understand how I feel about this COBRA news.
Friday, April 3, 2009
What grinds my gears part II
My home visit is officially over. The person who came was such a nice woman who was empathetic and kind. She asked me the same questions every provider I’ve seen has asked me. She even has the same wedding anniversary as me! And she is getting a new puppy tonight.
But here is what was really cool. Her daughter had a chronic pain condition. Then she got a spinal cord stimulator. Now she has her life back and she can run again. She also case managed a client who had the same situation. Chronic pain hell, spinal stimulator, life back.
So I freaked out for nothing. Got defensive for nothing. That really grinds my gears.
But here is what was really cool. Her daughter had a chronic pain condition. Then she got a spinal cord stimulator. Now she has her life back and she can run again. She also case managed a client who had the same situation. Chronic pain hell, spinal stimulator, life back.
So I freaked out for nothing. Got defensive for nothing. That really grinds my gears.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
You know what really grinds my gears?
You know what really “grinds my gears” (a little Family Guy reference for you)? Friday I have a so-called home visit. A nurse working for some big corporation, contracting with Principal Life that pays my benefits, is coming to my house to judge me.
A touch defensive, yes. She will be here for an hour to see basically if I deserve the benefits the company pays me each month. But here is how I see it.
For years I paid the freaking policy. So yeah, I should get benefits. My doctors, my long list of doctors, fill out regular evaluation forms about my condition, so yeah, I should get benefits. I can’t freaking work! So yeah, I should get benefits!
Deep calming breaths. In and out. In and out. Screw that, I’ll go pop a Klonopin instead. :)
A touch defensive, yes. She will be here for an hour to see basically if I deserve the benefits the company pays me each month. But here is how I see it.
For years I paid the freaking policy. So yeah, I should get benefits. My doctors, my long list of doctors, fill out regular evaluation forms about my condition, so yeah, I should get benefits. I can’t freaking work! So yeah, I should get benefits!
Deep calming breaths. In and out. In and out. Screw that, I’ll go pop a Klonopin instead. :)
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