It has been about two months that I’ve been completely off narcotic pain killers. I still take a drug called Neurontin at night, but it works differently as isn’t a narcotic. So why am I happy about it? Here’s a list:
1) Lucidity! For the first time in a long time I remember conversations and can THINK! I got my first A on a test since I started school again a year ago (and just to brag, I didn’t even have the textbook).
2) Being present. My husband feels like he has his wife back, like he has his companion back, not just some mostly comatose chick drooling on the couch next to him.
3) Making decisions & choices. I can actually make rational, pragmatic decisions for my life and think beyond just the day before me. It’s amazing to have a little bit more of a long term perspective again.
4) Loving my dogs. Being able to see how much my dogs love and need my attention has been wonderful. Just to see their reactions to me waking up in the morning and being able to look them in the eye and connect with them has been so rewarding. Smacked-out drug-girl could never do that.
5) Pain. This may sound counterintuitive, but it is true. I feel everything. The pain killers never took it completely away unless I really took a lot of them (sadly, as prescribed). And in feeling everything, I’ve been able to isolate where the pain is and what kind of pain it is. I have learned more in the last two months than I had in the past year.
This whole thing sounds a little Pollyanna. But I am grateful to be making informed treatment choices again and not just going along with doctors with overflowing caseloads to which I’m just a number. Don’t get me wrong, I am in pain all the time and I feel it always. I am more limited than ever, but I do my best. Some days are better than others. But in feeling it, feeling all of it, I feel alive again.
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