Just reading a great book!

So not much going on here. I've been laying low, not doing a whole lot. I'm reading a fantastic book. I put off reading it because this is her first in almost a decade. I like to savor, but I usually just go nuts! The book is The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. It kind of reads like a Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It's historical fiction. The main character bumps into the likes of Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo in Mexico as well as McCarthism in post WWII US.

It's not likely I'll hear about the results of my hearing for awhile. It could take one to four months based on the judge's backlog of cases. Since my hearing was only on the 10th, I'm not really looking for anything before that.

Zachary Quinto and some other things to be pretty excited about if you are me

My mom said I should post every other day because she would like to read it every day. Well, my life is not really that exciting these days. But here are a few things I think are pretty exciting right now.

First, I have to write about all the great gifts I’ve received so far. My parents bought me a pair of Reebok Easy Tone shoes. I was in desperate need of a new pair of trainers as my pair were years old and had no support left in them. So I got a pair of “butt shoes” (you’ll understand that if you’ve seen the commercials for these things)!

Some more great gifts… My sister drew my name for Christmas this year and bought me the new Barbara Kingsolver novel. Hurrah! And here is a picture of one of the greatest presents.



In case you don’t recognize the eye candy, this is “my boyfriend” Zachary Quinto (you know, from Heroes and Star Trek). My wonderful friend, who is already a bestie but would have become one because of this present, made me these magnets. My brother and roommate tolerates this. He’s a good guy.

Second, I decided last night when I couldn’t sleep that I was no longer going to sleep on just a mattress pad under a pile of clothes. Enough is enough. So I’ve washed my sheets and I’m really going to put them on my bed… really. This is a grand step toward a more organized house and a more organized life.

Maybe this is not that exciting to you, but I am pretty excited anyway.

My hearing

It’s been a few days since my hearing. That was on Thursday, the 10th. I haven’t posted because I guess I don’t want to jinx anything. But you may be wondering how it all went. Here’s how it went down:

I was the first person to have a hearing that day. My attorney from the company hired to do this for me flew in from Minnesota just to help me – I was her only client here. She’d interviewed me a few days before the hearing and then we met for about an hour before the hearing.

Once in the hearing (here in Eugene at the federal building) there was the judge, the court reporter, and a vocational expert. I was sworn in and the judge immediately started asking about a million questions on about every aspect of my life. It was so rigorous and intrusive. So no, I wouldn’t recommend this to the faint of heart.

By the end of the hearing, based on my testimony, the vocational expert testified that I would not be able to work. After the hearing my attorney told me she was 99.9% certain I would get the benefits. And the vocational expert came up to me and told me that when I was ready to go back to work, that I should connect with vocational rehabilitation because they would love to have someone like me. Kind of cool, eh?

So that’s how that went. I had finished my finals on the day before. So that one really stressful patch was over (until the inevitable next stressful patch, that’s life). I celebrated with some Burrito Boy and then went with my brother and adopted brother to take the dogs out to doggie heaven. It was a lot for one day and my body was in misery. But it was a good day.

Now three weeks of winter break!

Merry Christmas!

Moving and finals! No time to post… But here is a picture of our Christmas tree in our new place!

Pain and stress!

The amount of pain I am is crippling. I haven’t experienced this for months – at this level and intensity. Perhaps it is a result of sitting at a holiday bazaar for 8 hours on Saturday. It is the kind that makes me want to sit down, cry, and generally give up.

But I can’t!

I have to pack up my house before leaving at 8AM tomorrow to head home for Thanksgiving! When I get back I have to move! I have finals the week after! I have a test the day I’m supposed to be moving!

A little bit of stress over here. But I keep telling myself it will all be worth it. Right?

Thanksgiving

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the taking stock and giving thanks. We celebrate the bounty of our lives. I've had some lean Thanksgivings - $20 to spend on the whole meal. One time I spent Thanksgiving writing a paper for a graduate class.

But every year I have something to be grateful for. I've had some hard times lately. But I have some much to be thankful for. Family. Friends. Opportunities. Too many to count.

I'm going home for Thanksgiving. For this I am especially thankful.

What are you thankful for?

My hearing

I officially received a letter notifying me of my hearing for social security disability benefits. It is December 10 at 9AM. Pray, meditate, manifest, or cross your fingers for me!

For my brother

This entry is especially for my brother. We are going to be moving in together into a two-bedroom at The Crossings in December. This apartment complex is managed by the same people who manage my current apartment complex. It’s just right next door to where I live now. So here are some pictures of The Crossings.

More happenings

Here’s a bit more of what I’ve been doing, besides the ongoing struggles of a person with chronic health conditions without insurance.

The first picture is of a pizza. Well, duh. But this pizza was incredible. It was made by my friend Ann Marie and it had this amalgamation of ingredients and was the best pizza I’ve had in… who knows?



The second picture is just a shot of my school, Lane Community College. It’s really beautiful there. The buildings make no sense in terms of their layout or numbering scheme, but you can see why I forgive this minor point!

Just playing around

I’ve been playing around with my blog a bit. See the extras to the left.

Since I posted mine, what are your Top 5 favorite movies?

Autumn in Eugene

Autumn in beautiful Eugene, Oregon.

Also I have a hearing coming up for my social security disability benefits in December. When I know more, I’ll post more.

The horizon

Well, I got a denial from the Oregon Health program. But they did say they were passing on my info to the seniors and disabled program. Maybe that will pan out?

But did I mention that the job I applied for comes with health benefits? It is a temporary (9 month), part-time position that comes with freaking health benefits!

I’ve been having a rough time of it lately. I am out of all my medications and was prescribed a stop-gap solution from the LCC health center. My body is all out of whack and a complete mess. But I’m trying to remember to take it a day at a time.

So today I am baking three different kinds of cookies for a Halloween party tomorrow. I’ve decided to go as a doctor. I have a lab coat and a stethoscope and everything! It kind of makes me hopeful for the days when I’ll wear that for real.

And it makes me think that days like the ones I’ve had lately aren’t the only days on the horizon.

Off balance

I fell again tonight. I was taking Sully out for “last call” and she wanted to go faster than I was going and the grass was wet, and down I went. I lost the leash and my breath. I was so worried. It was dark and she’s a black dog. But I called her and she came back to me, good girl.

And I thought, is this going to be the one? Is the fall that will take me back to that dark place of being barely able to move, isolated and alone?

I’m stronger now. And sheer will has carried me through some pretty serious falls in the past. But it got me thinking. My life, this life that I’ve created for myself, is teetering on a precarious balance. I lose my balance all the time. But what if there is the one time that I can’t get back up?

Maybe that’s true for all of us. There is the balance, and sometimes the worry, will I get up after this fall?

Health clinic

Yesterday I went to the student health clinic at LCC. It was a good appointment in that I got everything addressed. I have plantar fasciitis on my left foot.

But although we covered everything, it was not magic. One really important thing, however, I was introduced to a website that I want to introduce you to:

needymeds.com

I have to fill out applications for each company that makes each of my medications, then return to the clinic for an appointment with a specialist at turning them in to the various pharmaceutical companies. Most will supply 1-3 months at a time of free medication, then I will have to re-apply. They don’t make it easy, but it is possible to get your medications if you can’t afford them, or so I’m told.

In other news, I found a job to apply for! It is a research assistant position, federally funded and part-time with health benefits! How cool, eh? I am also over-qualified. I’m excited to be turning in an application.

Today I’ve been sleeping. I’ve been sick for over a week and the exhaustion has finally set in. I can barely wake myself up to get up and go back to bed. Some siblings might remember the game “wake up, it’s time to go to bed” with varying levels of fondness.

Another game they might like: wake up it’s time to go to bed. I think I’ll play that next.

Another quick update

I’ve officially applied for an Oregon medical card. The application was online and so that was cool. But it said it would take about 45 days to get a decision.

In the meantime, I’ve got to try the student health center for the medication I need not related to chronic pain. But enrollment at Lane is up 25% this semester and getting in has not been easy! I was put on a call back list and then was never called back. I guess I better get a bit more proactive here. But I’m sick and I feel yucky.

I’m interested in a part time job. I wonder if I could find one in my field, or relatively in my field. I’ve started looking a little bit. I’ve heard that for even the most menial of jobs there are sometimes like a hundred applicants. That’s what the job market is like here in Eugene.

With all of it, and as usual, wish me luck!

De-nied!

I got word that my benefits have been denied.

Now it’s time to get to work applying for every program I can. And maybe it will help my existing social security disability claim.

Here’s the good news: with government healthcare (i.e. Oregon medical card) there is no “preexisting condition” issue.

Up late just thinking...

Lately I’ve been getting pretty excited about my life. And that in itself is exciting. I have new friends, am exploring new places, am going to a new college, have new classes… I’ve been very independent.

Like tonight for instance. I was tromping around my old neighborhood just to go and see people, on a whim. Hung out with my old roommate for a bit. Petted some good dogs.

But as I lay in bed just now, in so much pain, I thought about my day a little harder. I rode the bus several times. I walked for probably a good hour today. I did yoga. These things add up. I don’t want to acknowledge it, but they do. And I like my new philosophy of “so be it”. But then there are the nights… and the pain.

So maybe you are thinking, well stop doing it. Or maybe you are thinking, you always do things to an extreme, find a middle ground. Well look, it’s easier said than done.

Downward dog

The other day I was doing my physical therapy (yes, I’ve started it again, but just by myself since I can’t afford a physical therapist) and I thought, “Huh, I wonder if I could do a downward dog?” Just so happened that I could.

You see, I’ve missed yoga terribly. I’ve been doing yoga in some form since high school when all I had was an article copied out of some magazine.

Since I’m getting financial aid (someday?) from Lane CC, they’ve given me a $500 credit line at the book store. Well, it took about all that to actually buy my books, but with the little bit left over I bought another thing in the store – a nice, new yoga mat. I’d lost mine somewhere in all the moving this summer.

Today I had a nice yoga practice when I came home from school. It wasn’t pretty, but it felt good to do it. It felt mentally good to do it and my muscles feel challenged.

My new philosophy on pain: I’m going to be in pain if I do nothing, I’m going to be in pain if I do what I love. I pick the later.

First day of school report

Yesterday evening I sat in my first class at Lane Community College, nervous. It felt so similar to all the times I’d given speeches or debated. It felt like I should be preparing to teach the class. It’s always weird for me to come back as a student when I know the butterflies of beginning a new class as a professor.

But then I settled in and got really excited to learn. The class was Medical Terminology I, a class I am sure will kick my ass every single day this term. But so, so interesting. And did I mention exciting?

It’s so beautiful here. Even as I type this post I am overlooking forest and leaves changing on deciduous trees.

My classes will be challenging; I’m taking the above-mentioned Medical Terminology I, General Biology, and General Psychology. My focus is to just take classes I need for med school.

The busses run enough to get me where I need to go. But man are they full! Standing room only!

The pain is an issue, as always, but less important than everything I’m doing now.

Oh, how I love this. It is delicious.

Riding on the bus...

I’ve been riding the bus a lot lately. Since I have no car, this and walking, are my main means of transportation. It’s rather empowering and when I get my student ID from Lane, it will be free, free, free!

But it’s another one of those things that’s just really hard on me. I feel every bounce and bump. It’s not pleasant pain-wise. But that’s another thing to just grit my teeth through. And at the end, I am at point B.

I just heard from Principal Life that my benefits are going to be reviewed by September 30. So cross your fingers that it actually gets done and that good things come of it!

A less gruesome offering...

It has occurred to me that the last post might have been a bit gruesome to some of you. That’s a bummer because I find all things nasty about the human body interesting – no fascinating. And this is a good thing for me because it leads me to my update for today…

First, no news on the benefits front. I’m calling almost daily and not reaching anyone and not getting a call back ever. It’s really making me mad. I’m not sure what to do besides be persistent and keep at it.

Second, I’m going to school at Lane Community College in less than a week! I’m all signed up for classes and everything is in order for me to get started. I’m going to continue to work on those medical school pre-requisite classes and taking classes that will help with the MCAT.

I’m so excited! I’m excited to be actually going to a new school and getting to know a new campus and all that goes with it. I can’t wait to get started. I am counting the days!

And the pain is pain. But I’ll manage. I remind myself that if I was taking pain killers I wouldn’t be doing everything I’m doing. And I wouldn’t give that up. I just wouldn’t. I like feeling this alive.

Legends of my falls

I’ve been falling a lot. I just fall randomly. I trip, tip over, you name it. I’ve had a balance problem throughout the duration of this injury, but as I’ve increased my activity lately, the falls have also increased.

But the other night I took a huge fall down my friend’s stairs. I now have some truly epic bruises. I just had to post pictures of them because they are so big. I mean, I have lots of smaller bruises everywhere, but these two are noteworthy. So here are some yucky and interesting (I think) pictures.

My arm



My shin

Some photos finally!

I feel settled in… but new. There are a few boxes to go through, but for the most part, everything is in its place. And I’ve already broken the washer! Thank goodness for apartment maintenance folks.

So here are a few pictures. These are crappy pictures I’ve had to take with my computer’s camera because I have no other way to take them (besides my phone which is worse). If these pictures don’t convey what a nice place this is, that’s too bad, because it really is nice. And there are lots of trees – they are just young.

First, the outside of my apartment.



Now a shot of the living room from the entryway.



The dining area, in which you can still see boxes and piles of things.



Finally, the kitchen, which was a mess, and still is, because I’m making goodies for everyone who helped me move… and curry for me.



So that’s the place in a nutshell. I go to bed very tired at night these days, and feel cut off from my social circle. I need to ride the bus from my house to downtown and know that I can anytime to feel more connected.

But on the other hand, it’s been great being off alone. I crave alone. When I was little I loved the book I Wish I Lived Alone. Only in the end, the little one decided if she lived alone, everyone would be lonely. I disagree!

Moving update

I’ve moved into my new apartment! I’m still working on the whole move in process, and there are still a few things to get from the old place. Moving is… moving! I’m exhausted. But I’ll post pictures soon!

High anxiety!

My benefits are being reviewed right now, I mean even as I type. They could decide to not give them to me and then I can’t live in that apartment. Then I can’t live anywhere! I am so stressed and anxious I can hardly stand it. I fell asleep last night attempting to send lovingkindess to various parts of our world (you yogis will understand). I wish I really could manifest what I wanted, as many of my hippie friends here believe they can…

Rain and reflection... did I mention I found an apartment?

It’s rainy here in Eugene and I’ve been snuggling under my covers throughout the past weekend. I recently found my favorite sheets again that I bought years ago from Macy’s on some great sale and I swear the thread-count in like a million. I’d been going and doing all week. I decided the weekend would be spent doing the least possible.

I finally have an apartment! For a website with more information, including pictures, click on the title of this post.

So now it is all about packing.

Due to some circumstances in my life right now, I will be packing and moving by myself. But not really by myself, because I plan to ask for and receive a lot of help. Imagine that! Me asking for help!

And it doesn’t stop with moving. Where I may be moving will be a bit off the beaten path, so I will have to learn the bus schedule and get familiar with asking for rides when dire circumstances approach. More asking for help.

Asking for help has been such a huge issue for me, as most of you may already know. It’s been a stumbling block, a flat out impossibility. But I’m learning now. It’s another lesson pain has taught me. I’ve been reflecting as I listen to the rain from underneath my covers. But now it’s Labor Day and it’s time to get up and labor.

Hangover

My sweet little brother got married, and then a couple of weeks later we had his reception, which was yesterday. It was wonderful, it really was. I think it turned out well and my sister, the brilliant chef that she is, created a menu to remember. Let's just say I'm glad there are leftovers.

But all that work and I am spent. I mean, that is it, you know. I talked to my grandpa about working through and living with pain, since he is in a similar, yet far worse situation. We concluded that living through it, sans meds, is a far better option that being doped to the gills on pain killers all the time.

But what I wouldn't give for a bottle of dillaudid and my comfy bed with a few good movies, maybe the Godfather (my favorite) right now. There's always the temptation to give it, but the drive to keep going.

An Oregon girl in Idaho...?

Coming to Idaho to visit my family for my brother's wedding reception has been great. Pain-wise, not so great. But otherwise, great!

One thing I contemplated on the way here. Was I coming home, driving from Eugene back through Boise and to my parents house in the middle of Idaho? Or was I leaving home?

Today shopping for the reception we stopped at Fred Meyer in Twin Falls. And the store actually carried things I've come to rely on - like Kefir when my tummy gets upset and Viso when I need a pick me up. I wasn't sure where I was going to find those things here.

Home is where your heart is, where your stuff is, where you find yourself... name your cliche. Right now my heart is strewn out all over the place.

Home is less on my mind today, however. I think I'm just having too much fun.

A quick update

A quick update about my benefits from my psych eval: nothing has happened yet! But something that has cheered me. My case has been transferred back to the woman who was in charge of it when I first started down this road. She was since promoted and it was transferred to another person, someone I haven’t really gotten along with very well. So I feel better, whether or not things are better.

Sassy

I never post pictures of myself, but this new haircut warrants one. Of course you can’t really see the layering and you can’t see the back, which is wonderful and so, so cute, but you get a little taste.

But here is the important part about this haircut. I walked to the appointment. This morning I was miserable and yesterday I was huffing and puffing since I hadn’t walked that far in years, but I walked there.

I’m donating my long hair and that feels good. But what really feels good is knowing that pain can be fleeting and when it is not, I can survive it without falling into a “pit of despair” (to quote Anne Shirley).

Oprah always talks about what she knows for sure. Well, here is what I know for sure:

I am a tough girl. And I love my new haircut – it is as sassy as I feel (even if you don’t get that from just a picture).

Housing BS

Sigh. The housing situation is grievous. We thought we had an apartment – not just any apartment, but a beautiful apartment in a beautiful place. But then it fell through at the last minute because we weren’t informed regarding the dog situation. Apparently our dogs were too big for their liking.

Let’s back up. Before this we had an apartment we wanted in the South Gate Apartments but were unable to come up with the application fee because the mailman didn’t deliver my husband’s check on the right day (actually no mail was delivered at that day because allegedly there was some dog – not ours – loose in the neighborhood). Someone else got that apartment. We were so sad.

But yesterday after we lost the apartment we had been told for two weeks was ours, I called the property manager of the South Gate Apartments and asked if there were any more openings. There just so happened to be one opening September 15. We immediately went down, put in our paperwork and the application fee.

So let’s see what happens, eh? [Insert another sigh here]

The ongoing dilemma

Here’s a familiar theme: I am living my life, actually living, doing things rather than doing nothing, and now I have increased pain, well lots of it actually. When I am protective, when I do relatively nothing, I do much better with pain. But then I don’t get to really live. A simple way to look at it:

Living life = increased pain
Not living life = not increased pain

I struggle with this dilemma. Do I have a responsibility to my family to try to live with as little pain as possible? Is my need to do things like go see Star Trek again with friends last night and sit up nights playing stupid Face Book games and clean the house important enough to justify the pain?

I seek normalcy. So to the second question I say, yes. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. But I’m tired of being patient. And I’m tired of being a patient.

My newest heartthrob

(Later that day…)

In case anyone out there is interested in how I spent the rest of my day, let me proudly present my new Diane von Furstenberg bag (and if you don’t know who that is, then you clearly don’t read as many fashion magazines as I do):



It was $29 at Ross. So yeah, it may not be from her fall 2009 line. But I’m in love.

As you can see, it is big enough to need its own seat in the car and if you were to peek inside you would see that it is bright pink and that it has a special padded area for my laptop.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Nothing like retail therapy.

My psych eval

In case anyone out there is interested in how my psych eval went this morning…

Well, I am, too, and I have no news and won’t for awhile. The doctor who performed the evaluation could give me no information about his review. But I can tell you this:

I really liked him. He cared whether or not I was comfortable. He took his time, was incredibly thorough, and really listened to me. It was a major improvement upon the other doctor who performed the other evaluation.

So I guess I don’t really know. I hope it turns out I get to keep my benefits. We desperately need them so I can buy private insurance.

Everyone, manifest me a happy ending! (I know a lot of manifesting lately…)

Stormy weather

I’ve been in some pain lately. I’ve been under some stress lately, emotional stress, so much so to write about it brings me close to tears. Corollary?

I’ve been taking more medicine, well the only things I have. It just makes me sleep.

Tomorrow is my psych eval. More stress. So more pain?

I need to get out of my living situation and into one more conducive to a less-stress = less pain life. If that’s how it works. How does anything work? Wait, don’t tell me, I’m getting in the tub.

The Music Nerd

Here’s something fun:

The Music Nerd: Your On-line Source for Everything Cool Under the Sun

Just click the title of this post to access. If you want to become a contributor, there’s information on the site. It’s good entertainment.

The psychology of pain

In a few short days, on Thursday the 13th, I will be analyzed and evaluated to determine if I have a disability based on my psychological status. I’ve been doing some research and I’ve determined that I do.

Not just because I want them to keep paying me every month! I mean, that will be a nice benefit, and one I need. But also, I think there are definite psychological points to this pain thing.

I’ve been reading journal articles about how chronic pain impacts your brain and makes it function on a lower level than it did prior to the chronic pain. Now I’m reading about how chronic pain can be aggravated by psychological and emotional stressors.

And when I read the following statements that were “typical statements expressed by chronic pain patients” I had to be honest with myself, there was some truth there:

-“I feel worthless to my family because I cannot work.”

-“I don’t care to interact with my friends the way I used to.”

-“I don’t like myself and feel disappointed in myself.”

And on it goes.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think this is all in my head. This is very real and would be alleviated if I could just get a new damn pain pump! But there is something to this psychological stuff.

Sometimes honesty, especially with yourself, really is a pain isn’t it?

Free Will Astrology

Every week I read my horoscope in the Weekly (Boise Weekly, now Eugene Weekly). It’s always “Free Will Astrology with Rob Brezsny”. This week’s horoscope made me really stop in my tracks… and I was at Burrito Boy, if that tells you anything. So seriously, read it:

“In Salman Rushdie's story "The Prophet's Hair," a greedy man intentionally cripples his four sons when they're young, hoping to turn them into beggars who elicit profound sympathy and large cash donations. The plan is successful. His sons earn him a good income. Later, however, he comes into possession of a potent talisman -- a strand of hair from the prophet Mohammed -- and it magically heals the sons' ailments. They're no longer able to pull in big bucks, and grief descends upon the family. I bring this to your attention, Taurus, because I think there's a variation on these themes at work in your own life. A "magic charm" is available that could reverse or at least neutralize an old handicap. Do you have the pluck to surrender the questionable rewards that your impairment has brought you?”

If you want to read yours, just click on the title of the blog, that is, after you pick up your jaw after reading mine.

Can you smell the crazy?

Was I this crazy last time we moved? How about the time before that?

No, I don’t think so. But now. Look out, I am full-on obsessed. I haven’t been getting adequate sleep. I’ve been checking the newspaper classifieds and craigslist about every five minutes, so much so my refresh hit is so worn out it is on strike. My email inbox is empty and despite attempts to will responses out of potential rentals, it remains empty.

Yup, going a little crazy here.

The good news: we may have found a place. We both like it, it is very pet friendly, and it meets out criteria including price range. But we just barely looked at it this afternoon and need to turn in the application. I don’t want to jinx it.

If this doesn’t work, I have to admit, I can see crazy getting dialed up a few more notches. Poor husband. Pass the Klonopin.

Manifest me a home!

Apartment hunting. Again. Here we are, having just moved to Eugene, and now we are looking for a new place to live. It’s not exactly a right fit for our family (myself, husband, two loud dogs, and a cat) here with the four roommates. So we seek our own place now.

But we are on a deadline! Soon all the college kids come back into town and they will all want somewhere to live. We have to beat them to it!

I’ve decided I need to be like my good friend here and try to manifest the perfect place for us. Will you help? These are my specifications. If we all try hard enough, we might get close.

A cozy little house with a couple of bedrooms with just enough room for the stuff we have left after all our purging of worldly goods (remember this includes a piano), with a little stoop upon which to sit in the evenings and a place to grow flowers, and a fenced backyard so my doggies can go poop.

Remember, we only have to come close. Start manifesting!

Whiteaker Block Party... and more heat stroke!

Yesterday was the Whiteaker Block Party, an annual event put on in our neighborhood and sponsored by Ninkasi (the greatest brewery known to humankind).

We waited out the worst of the heat in our cool house, having sealed the cool air inside once the heat was on. My husband and I headed at nearly 5 o’clock yesterday evening. I got to enjoy a nice seasonal “Radiant” brew, some (to paraphrase my husband) “excellent musicians playing mediocre music”.

And then it happened. For the third day this week I got head stroke. Seriously bad feeling heat stroke. I couldn’t even walk home. I had to walk as far away from the event as I could and he had to then go back home, get the car, and come pick me up. I was sick, dizzy, headachy, and had a 100 degree temperature! Not good! And I was not sweating. I was chilled instead.

So that was the end of the block party. My husband got to back later for an after party and be the sound guy for a local band that was playing, the Rye Wolves.

But what the hell is going on with me?

On the occasion of my 100th post...

This is my 100th post!

Today I am taking it easy. The weather conditions are much better and I seem to have recovered from the heat stroke, but I also don’t seem to be sweating either and it’s not that I have some super awesome deodorant. But there is a breeze and I am grateful for it.

Last night I sat on our front step and ate cherries and looked at the fruit trees in our little front yard. I talked to my sister for awhile and watched her silly doggie play in the grass.

Today I finished skirt #3.

So on the occasion of my 100th post I am aching and sore, but so happy to have done something besides hide out in the basement or lay on the couch trying to keep my temperature down.

Now excuse me, I think I will stop lying around typing and go limp around make some tasty vegetarian vittles.

Heat Stroke

Here are a few symptoms: you don’t sweat, you have a headache, you are generally dizzy and things are kind of confusing (such as my husband had me to some basic math last night that really threw me for a loop), your heart beat is nuts (but surprisingly blood pressure drops), you get nauseous, really chilly, you have a crazy fever, and everything swells. Not to mention, you are radiating heat.

For the last 24 hours I’ve had and now am trying to stave off heat stroke. Last night my husband recognized it as such and got me into a cold water bath and brought my 102.6 degree temperature down to a respectable 97. (I am one of those weirdoes whose norm is at 96.8 instead of 98.6.)

But then last night as the blazing heat wave didn’t subside I was back over a hundred and this time lying with ice packs and a cold towel. Now I am sitting in the basement of our house trying to keep from spiking 100 again. (Got close, but more ice did the job.)

Can I just say this sucks? The basement sucks. This is a freaking dungeon. The only people who hang out down here are the boys when they play Nintendo. Seriously, Nintendo… Mario Bros. 3 and such.

But nobody wants to go to the E.R. Right? Right?

Swimming update!

I did get in the kiddie pool. I read silly magazines and drank lemonade. It was lovely.

The only girl NOT swimming today

I was going to write this attempted witty little post about the things I’ve had to get used to since moving to Eugene. But this cropped up in the meantime and since my feelings are now hurting, I have to write about this. Maybe I’ll do the other later, we’ll see.

Today my new friend made calls to everyone in the house (well, not everyone, my sister, my husband, and me). She asked everyone to go swimming at this great swimming hole. Except me. She asked me if she could come over and pick up her swimming suit.

She is the kindest, sweetest person, so there was no ill intent. She simply knew that I’d say no because you have to kind of hike into the place, there is nowhere comfy to sit down, and they would be there most of the day.

I’ll never be used to this, not in Boise, not in Eugene, not anywhere.

Maybe I’ll go sit in my dog’s kiddie pool (once it’s been drained and re-filled of course).

Heat wave, stupid heat wave

Is it too hot at your house? It is too stinking hot at my house! This is Eugene! I thought this was a more temperate climate than Boise, and here it is, a freaking heat wave. Today it’s supposed to get to 95 degrees and here’s my stupid forecast!





MONDAY - 97/57
TUESDAY - 102/60
WEDNESDAY - 100/62
THURSDAY - 92/57
FRIDAY - 85/55
SATURDAY - 87/55

But we’re all suffering right? I have to believe this because misery loves company. And you all better not have air conditioning, because I don’t damn it.

Writing...

Lately I’ve been writing up a storm! Just not on this blog. I’ve been working really hard on my writing, working on it everyday. So I wanted to post a little note saying, hey, I’m doing okay, a little sore from sitting on the bed with my laptop for so long each day, but otherwise hanging in there and happy to be doing something I love everyday.

Rationing

I am now in medication rationing mode. Before leaving Boise and before my health insurance expired back in May, my generous docs prescribed three months worth of drugs for me. I am coming up on that third month and with no relief in sight (no decisions made yet by Principal Life, still awaiting my psych eval) I’ve begun rationing.

What does this mean? It means slightly lowering dosages to get more bang for what’s left of my meds, make them last until I can get some kind of determination that will lead me to health care.

There are of course consequences, but I’m managing. What keeps me sane is knowing that at the end of the month there will still be pills in the bottle.

PS I think my nonfunctioning pain pump has started beeping at me. (This means it requires attention from someone with the tools to tell it to stop beeping, AKA an expensive neurologist.)

You've got to have friends?

Moving to Eugene I had certain expectations. None of them have actualized as I expected. Moving here I never really planned on friends.

Now, I realize how that sounds. It sounds ridiculously piteous. But really, I have friends in far off places; I have friends in my husband, my sister, and my housemates. What more do I need?

But I have friends! Somehow I have acquired lots of friends – that I actually like! And not just any friends, girlfriends.

I was worried at first. No, let’s be honest. I’m still worried. I don’t like to talk about myself, I don’t like to open up, and for sure I don’t like to talk about this whole pain thing. But it all comes up. I feel awkward. I feel stupid.

Do I really want or need friends? I think the answer is yes. Moreover, I think I like having friends, having girlfriends. (I stress this because I haven’t had a group of girlfriends in a long time.)

So it’s true, I think:

But you got to have friends
The feeling's oh so strong
You go to have friends
To make that day last long

(Bette Midler)

Click title to watch Bette Midler sing “Friends”

Here are a few photos of what I’ve been up to over the past couple of days.

Skirts (I’ve finished skirt number two, and skirt number three is only in the washed fabric ready to be cut out stage)



Records (yes, I’ve discovered records in the iTunes age)



Newly tuned piano (rediscovering playing a beautiful instrument all over again)



Now to take a bath because making a skirt and doing the dishes has me completely done for today… except I have a new skirt to wear and need somewhere to go…

Today

I am doing better today. Just had a bit of a nosedive there for a minute. But am better now. I got my official letter saying my psych eval will be in a month, August 13. So far away!

But yesterday I finished the skirt I was making when I started teaching my friend to sew. I also got a message from my sister-in-law and my lovely year old niece on my phone. It cheered me.

Today the piano tuner came and now the piano I grew up with sounds like it never has before. Also, we found some of my brother’s Lego men inside it. That’s enough for a giggle.

Pain is even better today.

Melancholia

I feel morose, melancholy. I committed myself to some kind of honesty with this blog and so here goes. Deep breath here.

Three days now of pretty bad pain. It puts me in a very depressed place. I feel like I’ll never crawl out. I feel helpless.

I’ve actually talked about this with someone I barely know (sister’s boyfriend’s mom) in front of someone I barely know (roommate) and feel very vulnerable. I hate talking about this. I do my best to hide it.

Today my dog ran out and chased a car and I couldn’t do anything about it. Helpless. Useless.

Everyone went to Doggy Heaven dog park but me. Left out. Lonely. Pointless.

So I sit here listening to music that makes me cry, trying not to cry. How self-defeating is that? I should put on my favorite Clash record and rock out but I’d rather be sad.

Oh, and I got f@#$%&* frostbite again. Yup, just going to sit here and wallow for awhile.

PS Click on the title of this posting for a link to Thomas Paul’s recent release House on Fire, and then listen to track 10, “A Footnote to History”.

Pushing past pain, again

The only reason I got out of bed yesterday was because I wanted to so badly. There was so much pain. But apparently we Taurus’s are stubborn folk and I didn’t care if I had to crawl out of bed, I was getting up, damn it.

My parents came into the Eugene area with a load on their truck and my sister’s boyfriend’s parents are here for the weekend. There was too much promise in the weekend for having to spend a weekend in bed, even if it would have been better for me.

Or would it be?

I have been doing so much better emotionally or psychologically since being so much more involved in life here. I’ve been in much more pain, but I’m happier over all.

I’m not sure what to do with that…

Cucina Cucina

I am so busy!

I was never this busy in Boise!

You’ve probably figured this out by now. But what I really want to write about is cooking. I am busy cooking. I wrote about this last post, too. But after last night’s supper, I have to write again.

After going off processed foods, or at least attempting such, I realized I have gone off fortified foods and need to actually pay attention to getting nutrients in my diet. So I went to the store and bought some lovely organic produce. I planned a great meal for myself… and then it happened.

My husband asked if I’d just cook a bit more of it for him. Then my sister’s boyfriend asked if I would mind throwing in a little extra for him. By then, there were three of us, so I asked my sister, and then there were four. My other roommate had already eaten so this night there were only four instead of five.

It’s not a big deal. I actually like cooking and I only cook when I feel like it. But let’s review:

Thursday – last night, already discussed
Wednesday – cooked for roommates, self
Tuesday – cooked for party
Monday – Bingo
Sunday – cooked for roommates, self

Notice a trend?

But here’s the thing. I’m totally enjoying it. There is something really fun about us all gathering around the table with a “fine mess of sup” as my husband says. And don’t worry. When I stop enjoying it, I’ll stop doing it.

A big 'ole update

It’s been a few days since I’ve written and what I have added hasn’t always been informative, so I’ve decided this will be an update posting.

Health and healthcare – Everything is still sort of stalled. Principal Life wants me to have a psychiatric evaluation done here in Eugene, and until that is done and the results are in, I’m stuck. If they determine the pain is all in my head, then I get to keep my benefits, apparently. Then I will buy some expensive health insurance and get the ball rolling. If they say I’m not crazy (or crazier than already documented, ha!) then I lose my benefits, I apply for government health care and get the ball rolling. In the meantime I wait.

The whole bad pain pump screw up situation – I spoke with an attorney in Boise recommended to me by a good friend, who gave me the name of an attorney who does malpractice stuff. Just need to follow-up now. But I was cautioned. In Idaho it is a tough standard to prove. He said it sounds like the surgeon screwed up, but malpractice is hard.

And now for the fun stuff – I’ve been really busy of late. I’ve discovered Monday night bingo, yes bingo, at our local watering hole. We had a great party for my sister’s boyfriend’s birthday. I am teaching a new friend of mine to sew.

I’ve been trying to do more cooking rather than microwaving. Nothing that takes more than say, 10-15 minutes or is super involved because of the whole standing issue, but eating delicious vegetarian cooking is better than turning microwave crap-food without meat into some sort of vegetarian food.

It’s a good life. I am grateful.

The Sweet Life

Having spent yesterday in bed missing all the fun (a swimming trip, a potluck, a party), this morning I awoke with the resolve that I didn’t care if it killed me I was getting up out of bed and having a real day.

And oh, what discoveries were made.

First, the local patisserie, Sweet Life. My husband and I had our coffee and a pastry there this morning and it was divine, glorious, decadent. Come visit, we’ll go to breakfast there, which is more like dessert, depending upon what you order.



Second, the Smith Family Bookstore. As husband put it, “It’s like the library, only all the books are for sale!” New and used books and I used by whole allowance in one trip, that great.



We picked peas… awhile ago, so tonight I’ll make potatoes and peas, having purchased some new little red potatoes from the Kiva. To go with, an indulgence of gorgonzola and ciabatta bread.

What a better day, no?

Magic and doggy heaven aka Zumwalt Park

This is Doggy Heaven, Doggy Paradise, or as the county calls it, Zumwalt Park. It is a place where dogs can run free and be dogs. There are fields for Frisbee and endless running, and oh, yeah, since it is at a reservoir there is the biggest doggie wading pool in existence.

We discovered Doggy Heaven after the weekend I spent much of crying and had a total tear-fest over whether the dogs would have been better off in Boise. Then than Monday, my sister’s boyfriend asks us if we’d like to try this place he takes his dog and a neighbor dog. Once we spend an hour there, I am alright. The dogs are tired and happy for days.

One of my new friends here, we’ll call her Janis because of her love for the singer, related a story to me to illustrate her point about how magical this place (meaning Eugene) really is. She said she wanted to have a hula hoop making party in honor of her moving to the neighborhood, but since she’d just moved, she couldn’t afford all the supplies. Just as she thought this, she said she stumbled on a free box (we have loads of them here) with enough tubing and materials for her party.

This place has pushed and pushed and pushed me outside my comfort zone when it comes to people. Last night was a great example. We were at our local watering hole, Sam Bonds Garage, and I realized – I knew the bartender, her brother, became friends with the person sitting next to us, and then waited for a party of people that included friends and more people to meet.

And I was okay with it. I had a wonderful time. It was out of character and out of comfort and it was okay.

But I sat too long and ended up spending all day today in bed with pain; couldn’t even make it downstairs. I wonder what this will push me into next…? You never know with this place, some say it is magical.

Another move, but just a little one

Yesterday we moved into our new room! Today we put on the finishing touches. Oh, it is so nice to have a little more room! Tons more room in comparison. My sister said the reason we had to stay in the other room first was so we’d appreciate this room more. Let’s just say, I am reveling in the extra space.

Now we get to use the upstairs bathroom, which is also so much bigger. Now there are more windows in our room, and when we open the door, a window at the top of the stairs aligns perfectly with the windows in our room (the windows on the front of the house, second story if you remember pics from an earlier posting) and there’s more airflow. It’s marvelous.

I’m gushing.

And if you are wondering if I worked too hard and went up and down stairs with too much stuff too often and ended up practically immobile by the end of the day, then you know me well.

But I maintain it was worth it.

Debut of KEDK A Voice in Eugene

Introducing… KEDK A Voice in Eugene, the beginnings of an independent media project authored by my husband; just click the title of this post or follow the link featured on the side of my blog.

Here’s why you might find this important. My blog is about me and as such is a bit erratic at times when it comes to news surrounding our lives. If you are interested in news about what’s going on around us, in our neck of the woods, specifically our neighborhood “The Whit”, then you need to check it out.

Hey, it’s where I get my news.

Heartbreak

My husband’s father is dying. He has maybe two days left now. To not have a dad anymore? Physical pain seems easier than the sadness and heartbreak my husband is going through right now.

When he dies we will hold our own wake here. My husband will tell stories about his father and we will lift a glass.

Here is a link to a great music video on You Tube. It is M. Ward's "Requim". Just click on the title of this posting.

Limbo... and not the dance contest

It feels like we’ve been here a long time, but if feels like we’ve been in limbo – like maybe Catholic limbo. Let’s just say it’s been a mixed bag at best.

Friday, the coast. What a wonderful day. We took the long way and drove through seemingly endless little towns all hosting yard sales and bake sales and sales of all kinds. There was so much to see and so much to talk about. We made it to the ocean – my hubby’s first experience with it, my favorite of the natural world. We took our dogs and they loved it, too. See pics below.



Saturday, whole-lotta-crazy moves out and Saturday Market. Oh, how I count my many blessings that I don’t have to live with the bat-shit-crazy roommate and deal with her and oh, how I count my many blessings that she moved out this weekend and now our “real” room is free. It’s a lot bigger and we won’t have the whole packed into a dorm room feeling. But it took hell to get to that point and it was misery, but luckily only like 48 hours of it. And Saturday Market was very nice.

Sunday, just breakfast and a good one. It’s early. I’d like a nice calm day, where the dogs can hang out in the house and not be cooped up in said dorm room. I’d like peace and calm. I’d like a regular day where maybe I emerge from said dorm room and don’t spend a good chunk of the day crying for the dogs, for me. No more Catholic limbo, more establishing our lives. Maybe even calling some people we love!

Late-breaking addition!

A late breaking addition to my list of new favorite things:

-My new shower curtain in the bathroom I share with a couple of boys – it lacks mold, mildew, and some weird scummy shit emerging from the curtain that cursed my showers prior to today!

Some new favorite things

Whenever I awoke from a bad dream when I was little I would sing myself the “Favorite Things” song and then play the “Favorite Things” game until I fell back asleep. I am by no means suggesting that I’ve awoken from a bad dream and found myself in Eugene, but it might appear that way if you’ve tuned in to just my last post.

So “…when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad…” here are few of my new favorite things here in Oregon:

-Plants outnumber people, especially in our house! (see pic)


-I get to live with two of my favorite people, my husband and my sister, not to mention my favorite doggies
-The Kiva (great store for natural, organic, and all around tasty vegetarian goods)
-Greek Yogurt (see pic) possibly the best texture ever
-I can find my favorite tea, Honest Tea in Organic Lemon Black Tea, something that took mega effort in Boise (see pic)


-My sister’s garden and how she makes everything beautiful, such as placing a vase she made with chamomile from her garden on our table (see pic)



I guess there are some noticeable similarities to the Glad Game, but I like to play them both when needed. Want to play along?

The wall

Once I read that chronic pain is like running a marathon every day. Of course you know that, I posted it over 70 posts ago.

These days the marathons are pretty painful. The swooning, nauseous, seeing tracers, fight to even move sometimes painful.

But what I write about now is how miserably damn frustrated I am with everything.

I wasn’t this frustrated in Boise. I was comfortable and things were easy. But I have lived more in four days here than I did there in four weeks at any given point.

My husband loves it here so much. He already has friends and contacts and opportunities. He is in a constant state of glee that radiates from his pores. I am so happy for him – he hasn’t been this happy in ages.

I am just frustrated. Why? Let’s pretend you asked.

1) I can’t do half the things I want and when I try, the horrible pain consequence described above descends upon me. Even when I push and push and push, my body will physically stop me at one point or another and I am at a wall I can’t push beyond. And I am so angry!

2) There are so many challenges to overcome that are not physical. Let’s talk intimacy. I am so not used to sharing my house with strangers. One roommate is never here, and when is, occupies the basement and another is around a lot. Then the other two are my sister and her sweetie and I wish we were just living with them because that would be way more comfortable. It would be ideal.

And people here are really nice, but they are all up in your business all of the time, asking personal questions and wanting to be your best friend. Leave a poor introvert alone and talk about the freaking weather already!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Runners all know about “the wall”. I guess I’ve hit mine. But we all know to focus, breathe deeply, and practice good self-talk and we’ll get past dreaded wall eventually.

Paradigm shift

Libby made it upstairs today. Let me back up and explain why this is significant. Our dogs have only every lived in single story homes. Now they live in a home with three stories and they are terrified, especially when a roommate comes down or up from one of the stairways, or to the dogs, black holes.

Libby figured in out first, obviously. Sully is still working on it.

But their progress in this major paradigm shift gives me hope. It makes me think that maybe, just maybe my own steps toward a major paradigm shift will happen.

Let’s give everyone some credit here. It’s been what, three, four days?

The paradigm shift. Yesterday and the day before, I went through so many boxes and set so much of our things, or unnecessary material goods, some close to my heart, out in the “Free” pile. They were gone just like that (imagine me snapping my fingers). I set out whole boxes.

The paradigm shift is moving from the attitude of trying to shoe horn an entire house into a house already occupied by four people, to one of melding, blending, and sharing. Not an easy one for me.

But once more, I will take a lesson from Libby. And I will make it to the top of the stairs.

I am home

I am home. And I realized I haven’t been doing denial. That’s not it.

When we had to leave our house a year ago, it was over for me. I was done. My life in Boise was over. Sure, this move we had to leave friends and when we did I cried. We had to officially leave places I loved, but the life I had led before was already gone and after those places were places I visited so rarely it was like going on mini-break instead of visiting my city. My city, my life had ceased to exist for me.

And coming here, greeting my new home, I knew this is what I had been waiting for, waiting for an entire year.

The first time I set foot in Eugene was 12 years ago, 1997 at a debate tournament at the U of O. I fell in love then and I never lost that love and yearning to be here. But I could never get here. There was never a reason to get here. As my sister’s sweetie pointed out, “You just needed a kick in the ass to get here.”

In this place I feel motivation and concentration and contemplation and just being. I am home.